Cure for Snoring

Surgeons in Vienna have a new procedure to eliminate snoring and sleep apnoea.

Dr Michael Arnoldner, an ear, nose and throat specialist at Vienna's Wilhelminen Hospital who performed the operation, described it as a minor procedure. "The operation isn't a big deal. It takes about one hour but enhances the patient's quality of life considerably," he said.

Any spouse who's laid awake for an hour listening to all that loud snoring next to them will probably be highly motivated to spend that hour making an appointment for this operation.

"A nylon thread is inserted through a patient's tongue from one side to the other, and another thread is placed around the tongue bone - which is actually a U-shaped bone lying between the mandible [jaw] and the larynx.

Oooo... Fishing line through the tongue. This is getting good.

"Both threads are then attached to a titanium screw only one millimetre in diameter and four millimetres in length. This screw is fixed in the lower jaw. The threads are tightened in such a way that the tongue is in the right place to tackle sleep apnoea syndrome."

Okay, the solution involves tongue piercing, fishing line, and a stud. Why didn't the punk or goth crowd come up with this earlier? As an emergency measure, could you wrap a piece of dental floss around a tongue stud and then lash it to a molar?