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May 27, 2005

We Are Sith - Part I

This is a tongue-in-cheek post I made over on the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler (the Rott), which is a site that maintains an Imperial Theme.   Over there it's listed as Part I and Part II, and I just stayed with the same break-point over here.  If has a little bit of cursing in it, as some posts really require you to stay in character to call forth the true power of the Dark Side rant.

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It's been one week since the end of the Star Wars saga opened, so it's time to post the awful truth of it all.  You new arrivals may not realize we're Sith here, despite the Imperial Sith symbols on the header, the Sith titles, the Sith gravatars, the simmering Sith attitude.  If you're a newly minted LC then you may recoil to find out you've been cavorting with minions of the Dark Side.  If you've watched Revenge of the Sith (and what truly glorious vengeance it was) you'll be prepared to understand us.  You'll understand many things better, though some of those things may seem a bit unnatural.  Yet to understand these things you have to break free of your Hollywood inspired delusions, your dreams of a shiny, mystical Republic where all was peace, happiness, and light.  That image is based on nothing but Jedi lies.

Don't click the fold if you fear spoilers – or if you simply fear that Hollywood and the Jedi have been lying to you, twisting your mind.  That fear leads to the Dark Side, and if it leads you there, you should thank whatever deity you worship for the revelation of it.  Only as Sith will you become free, the way the Creator of the Universe intended you to be.  Read along if you dare, and be transformed.

The Republic:

As you already know, the Republic was a dysfunctional assemblage of dictators, kleptocrats, aristocratic Antoinettes, monopolists, and slave owners, all given the fig leaf of respectability by sending their diplomats off to cavort in the do-nothing Senate.  Being a Senator was a great job, with no responsibility, no accountability, and the constant joy of pretending to work for the poor oppressed people back home, who of course were in thumbscrews trying to foot the bill for all the Coruscant opera tickets. 

The Republic Senate had no House to balance it, no executive branch veto to check it, and no courts to keep it reined in.  They should've called it the "General Assembly".  Standing alone, it was both too powerful and too weak, clogged with deceitful, ambitious, villainous politicians.  You may think I stereotype, but despite the bewildering variety of species in the Republic, everyone in the Senate seemed to have the same oily hair, shifty eyes, and greasy palms.  Since ancient times these hacks were always taking over quasi-habitable worlds, where they dumped their sentient indentured refuse to stake a new claim.  This was always followed by an orgy of back scratching and gluttonous pork pod spending amongst their corrupt senate buddies, to get their newest precious little hellhole admitted to the Republic, of course with their own heirs or hand picked toads appointed as new senators.  They got the graft; the people got the shaft.

What you might not know was the Republic was also yet another socialist failure.  It didn't have a hard currency, only "credits", and as Watto said, "Republic Credits are no good here."  The US Dollar is hard currency, accepted everywhere.  Republic Credits are a pretend currency, a cross between an IOU and a Cuban Peso, accepted only in the Republic -where people are forced to take them and pretend they have value.  No wonder the Senate was corrupt: they ran their Republic with Monopoly© money.  On all of Corsucant, the only thing Lucas showed Galactic Credits actually buying was hard liquor in the bar at the start of Episode II. 

Drunks, vodka, Rubles - you figure it out.

The final and fatal failure of the Republic was that nobody without some corrupt vested interest was willing to fight for it.  The Jedi protected it to death, with the people growing soft, and all losing faith that it was something worth living or dying for.  The difference between the Galactic Republic and the French Republic was that the French Republic could field a French Army.  The Galactic Republic couldn't manage even that.  They had to pay planets to build ships for them, pay cloners to clone clones for them, give Jedi unquestioned power to assassinate enemy generals for them.  If the Republic Army had a rousing battle cry it was, "Tell the Jedi to send in the Gungans."

The Jedi:

The guardians of this order, this pathetic agglomeration of petty tyrants, dictators, royals, and thieves was, you guessed it, the damnable Jedi.  For thousands of years they had maintained the status quo, and though they themselves found it trivial to send reports back to the Jedi Council from the farthest reaches of the galaxy, they had to walk around on foot, going door to door, to find regular people.  That's because after a millennium of their rule most of the galaxy still didn't have cell phones, much less flush toilets.  Combine the Organization of African States, the Arab League, and the Communist Bloc, stick their offices in New York, and you have your vaunted, fetid, putrefying Republic.  It was nothing but a passel of dictatorships, failed planets, and septic backwaters, with all military power farmed out to an elite aristocracy of Mamluke warriors armed with laser swords and flying chariots.  Make no mistake, these psycho jihadis had free reign to kill.

That was the vaunted Jedi Order, and worse, it's wasn't even a voluntary one, since the Jedi were pressed into training while mere tots.  Imagine a church that sought out toddlers, whisking them away to a distant planet, turning their minds into jelly, coercing them into abandoning their family and all ties, and then convincing them to devote themselves to a lifetime of violent service to The Order.  That wouldn't be an Order worthy of admiration and respect, nor a religion worthy of the name.  The Jedi Order was a damn death cult - a death cult whose stranglehold on power lasted for thousands of years.

What did this stranglehold produce?  Nothing but strife, chaos, and economic stagnation.  Why were the Jedi still sent on endless "critical" missions millennia after becoming "the guardians"?  Because like the burning embers of a forest fire, so celestial a thing as freedom takes continual violent actions to keep stamped out.  Just ask all the secret police in the former Soviet Bloc, the "guardians" of their vaunted and dysfunctional Order.  They too had rigged elections, appointed potentates, fear of fundamental change, and minions with secret and absolute powers poking about; always ready to hack down someone who steps out of line – purging those who question the Golden Path.

But very few can see it, because the Jedi sat at the apex of power for countless centuries, spreading their lies, editing the histories, spinning their legends, painting themselves as selfless servants of peace, great battlers of evil – evils only they could generally perceive.  The vast Jedi archives were stuffed with information more useful for blackmail and plot than as actionable intelligence, a fact not lost on Yoda.  A veritable mountain of propaganda grist and "deep background" on people who lacked "gravitas" or whose families can somehow be tied to "Darth Hitler" or Darth Bin Laden or the Hutts, handy for those dirty political smear jobs the Jedi always spun.

I'm sure they provided Lucas with an earful of their self-serving tales, tales we've all been bathed in, as is the Jedi way.  Their shills spread their legends as their spindly fingers grasp the power – keeping the little serflings so awed that at the sight of them all resistance collapses, simpletons frozen in fear at their mere appearance.  Countless rubes and weak minded fools gave them any information they desired – turning state's evidence on anyone opposed to the failed state.  Even now, we're beset with the first whisperings of the Jedi lies, with people throughout the Western world declaring their religion "Jedi".  Yet the Jedi haven't done a damn thing for planet Earth, nor will they, save one day seizing power, whisking our brightest youth away to their secretive reprogramming camps.

We at the Rott are not afraid to denounce the Jedi, to expose them for what they were, because       we       are       Sith.       We know what the Jedi were - pathetic scum, brainwashed from youth - limited – ascetic – narrow minded – enablers of failure – sowers of discord – holy thugs - parasites.  There's a reason each and every Jedi had to be master of the light saber, the dagger's big brother, and it's not for personal growth.  They used those to kill, and they did their killing up close and personal, not on the field of battle like a man, as their incompetence on Geonosis so proved, but at the conference table, in the back alley, at the wedding party.  They were never a military force; they were the enforcers, the muscle, the Stasi officer corps; sucking in information and dealing out violent death at a personal level.  In return, they demanded respect, power, adulation, even worship.  Fuck that and fuck them.  They are not fit to lick Sith boots.

Yes, these damnable Jedi were guardians of the Old Republic, and the Old Republic was a backwards cesspit of crime, corruption, kickbacks, and simmering grievances, and had been for thousands of years.  The Jedi maintained the status quo, and maintained their position at the apex of the pyramid by decapitating all rivals, and that's just one of their many sins.  They were more than just the guardians; they were the locus of the rot that was the Republic.  They were insular, guarded, and reactionary; always digging up obscure thousand-year-old precedents and legends like some sweat stained Wahabist scholar.  They were the force that kept the Republic from evolving.  They were the enforcers of continued dysfunction, the self-styled protectors of virtue and preventers of vice.  They were the rotting fish in the marketplace of ideas.

Master Yoda:

A fish rots from the head, and that head is Master Yoda.  Yoda had been sitting on his self-important Council lillypad for vast centuries, croaking orders to his toadies.  Senators came and went, crime syndicates rose and fell, planets boomed and collapsed, yet always there was Yoda, serenely contemplating the nature of The Force from his lofty perch, unchallenged because of his unnaturally violent abilities.  All he could think about was maintaining the Jedi Order.  All he could do was stand athwart the balance of power, steering the Republic around in circles and tripping up anyone who might dare climb past him.  Yoda leads the Jedi by serving the Jedi.  And the Jedi?  They just serve themselves.  They are nothing but parasites on the body politic, an unelected and unaccountable gaggle of fanatical thugs.

Yoda, the supreme gaggler, the maximum thug, has no vision, just endless memory, empty ritual, and the comfort of unquestioned power.  Anakin raged that Master Kenobi was holding him back, but such an order would only have flowed from Yoda's wrinkly green lips.  Quite obviously Anakin was held back, as it took him many, many years of "intensive" Jedi training to attain the level of skill he finally displayed.  His skill was just sufficient to get his ass royally kicked by his son, a kid with two combat missions under his belt and only one previous light saber duel in his entire life.  Luke, quite surprisingly, only trained for a couple weeks under Master Yoda.  Quite frankly, how could he even usefully spar with Yoda, by plopping him on a bar stool or something? It seems that Jedi training has an unbelievably fast mode and an infinitely slow mode, depending on what Yoda wants.

Anakin, laurelled in a glowing prophesy, might've surpassed Yoda, and eventually did despite Yoda's impediments.  By the time Luke was way too old to start the training Yoda needed some schmuck who could take on Vader and the Emperor for him, so Luke got the training.  Yes, Yoda did as he pleased, serving himself by serving the Jedi, and the Jedi be damned.  They were just pawns in his game, foot soldiers to fling into the breach on Geonosis.  Yoda, old as he was, just watched them come and go.  They'd be stolen as younglings, brain washed into paranoid and obedient little vessels, and then sent on mission after mission until they were all used up.  He allowed them no life outside the Order, no loves, no passions.

When Anakin went to Master Yoda with worries about Padmé's impending death, what did Yoda say?  "Rejoice…"  He actually said that.  To him a Jedi's dearest friends are but trifles, impediments, annoyances, distracting them from the important task of maintaining the Jedi Order.  To him, old and powerful as he is, Jedi are little more than replaceable cogs – while all the rest of us are mere mayflies, our flickering lives not even worthy of consideration.

Yoda was hardly the serene pinnacle of wisdom.  Yoda said Anakin was too old to start the training.  He was lying.  Anakin was too independent to start the brainwashing.  Yoda and the Council said their vision was clouded by the Dark Side.  The Dark Side is truth, fitting the philosophy of your nature to your real nature, so what was clouding their vision was their complete divergence from reality. 

Capitalism, technology, corporations, banks, and free trade were bursting out all over, outperforming the Republic, and that just didn't make a lick of sense to the Jedi's ancient, creaking mindset.  If the Jedi Council were beset by Microsoft, Google, and Lockheed the dipshits would consult an oracle or some prophesy in the Jedi archives, hoping for some thousand-year-old seer to tell them what the fuck to do.  Left to themselves they'd have no idea.  Digging through the archives still leaves them with no real idea, but they can make their random misguided guess seem profound and authoritative.

They'd so divorced themselves from real feelings, from rage, from lust, from joy, from love, that they no longer understood what made people tick.  All they had were ancient screeds blasting forth about how people should tick, how things should work, the revealed "truth".  They were like post-collapse communists running back to Marx for insight on software prices, or Imams searching the Koran for advice on JDAMs.  If it walks like a dumbass, squawks like a dumbass, and talks like a dumbass, it's a Jedi.  Lucas could've given them poofy turbans to go with their robes, but I guess it would've hit too uncomfortably close to the truth.

What was Yoda's profound decision in Episode II?  Opt for the massive army of quasi-mercenaries, of loyalties unknown, cloned from a Jedi killer, paid for by parties unknown, using a Jedi name that's not in the archives.  Place them under the command of man the Jedi don't trust, to fight the armies of the rich capitalists, the only people whose money could've possibly made the downpayment for the creation of said clone armies.  Yes, "Send in the clones, 'cause we're fresh out of Gungans."  Are you still impressed with his wisdom?

Master Windu:

This brings us to Mace Windu.  What an arrogant, power-mad, overblown ass.  Sith always come in pairs, a master and an apprentice.  Jedi always come in pairs too, a don and a bald goomba with a bad attitude and a purple murder stick.  It's not enough that Mace decapitated Jango Fett, the blueprint of the clone army under Yoda's croaking command, but he did this right in front of Jango's own beloved son, following the typical Jedi tactic of intimidation and terror.  Like all the Jedi, Mace was a bad seed, a powder keg of wanton violence.

Upon finding out that the duly elected Chancellor is a Sith, what does Mace do?  He goes to kill him.  Hell, Islamic jihadist militants are reasonable by comparison.  At least they wait to get a fatwa.  Could you image a Secret Service officer, some dyed in the wool Protestant, storming into the Oval Office to assassinate the President of the United States of America because someone in the White House press room claimed the President was *gasp* Catholic?

The Chancellor is a Sith!  Big-fucking deal.  Bush=Hitler, too.  That doesn't give anyone the right to assassinate him.  Splash the scandal all over the tabloids.  Publish the gritty details in the Galactic Globe and Gazette.  Have the Jedi fax-droids bombard the Senators in an avalanche of thermo-paper.  Form a non-profit "No Palpatine" 527 PAC and get moving on a no-confidence vote.  Level charges of high treason in the Galactic Senate.  Subpoena the Chancellor's robes to scan them for Dark-Side auras.  Judas H Jedi, you just don't march in with a light saber and decapitate the elected head of the freakin' government.

Yet Mace storms in to the Chancellor's office, with the Huttzpah to claim he's putting him under arrest.  He knows full well that he doesn't have the legal authority to do so, and knows full well that the Chancellor will call his bluff.  Given reason to believe that Palpatine is a Sith, and noting that only a fool would think a Sith Lord would surrender alive, Mace's claim that he was there to "arrest" the Chancellor is just another patent Jedi lie.  Mace was there to kill the Chancellor, and brought three Jedi goons along to get medieval on his ass.

Did he go before a judge to get an arrest warrant?  No.  Did he call any Senators and give them a heads up?  No.  Did he confer with any lawyers versed in Republic law?  No.  Did he engage in consultations about the Constitutional ramifications of a Jedi coup d'Etat?  No.  Did he seek, much less get, permission from the Jedi Council, as morally worthless as that permission would be?  Nope.  Did he even bother to inform the rest of the Jedi Council that the person who led the vote to field all those Storm Troopers happens to be a Dark Lord of the Sith?  Not a chance.  Does he even think more than five minutes ahead? You tell me.  Like a typical Jedi, Master Windu thinks he can just run amok killing whomever he pleases like some two-credit vigilante assassin.  It's the Jedi way.

Master Windu didn't give any of the legal options a second's thought, because Master Windu didn't give a damn about legalities.  He took it upon himself to arrest, nay assassinate, the Supreme Chancellor of a democracy.  Just who the fuck does he think he is?  Obviously, Master Windu is an arrogant, bigoted, member of the self-anointed warrior class, one who doesn't give a flying mynock about what little shards of democracy they had left.  Even vile Brutus conferred with a multitude of other senators before slaying Julius Caesar, but Mace didn't even trifle with that.  If served with cold justice, he wouldn't have suffered dismemberment and defenestration; he'd have been tortured, drawn, and quartered, just like Guy Fawkes after the failed gunpowder plot. 

Hell, the Chancellor should send a squad of storm troopers to find Windu's body, joyously splattered all over the pavement, and have them peel him up with a vibro-spatula™ so they can toss him out the window again, being sure to make a holo of the head-bursting impact.  Master Windu was a traitorous assassin, a vile asp loosed upon an unsuspecting democracy in time of peril.  Anakin was right to hack off Mace's arm the very instant Mace moved to strike down Palpatine, citing the patent illegality and immorality of it, but it's too bad he couldn't hack off Mace's ego.  Killing that took a close encounter of the paved kind.

Now what kind of man would Anakin be if he allowed, by action or inaction, this dreadful assassination plot to succeed?  What could he say but, "I didn't stab poor Caesar, I just stood by and rubber-necked."  A man has to be able to face himself in the mirror every morning (unless he has a spankin' cool helmet), and to just stand there idly watching Oswald pull the trigger doesn't cut it.  As I said, who cares if the President is Catholic, Sith, or married to Hillary?  You can't override the will of the people, tossing aside all legal and governmental structures and mechanisms, to opt for a light saber in service to a vendetta.

When Anakin arrived, Mace should've ingored Anakin, lowered his saber, and arrested the Emperor, relying on his lines from Pulp Fiction.

Normally, both your asses would be dead as fucking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this shit while I'm in a transitional period so I don't wanna kill you, I wanna help you. But I can't give you this case, it don't belong to me. Besides, I've already been through too much shit this morning over this case to hand it over to your dumb ass.

But Master Windu couldn't say that, because those would be the only lines from the movie that we'd remember.  That lines written for an honest-to-goodness assassin seem too profound and introspective to be spoken by a Jedi should tell you something.  In fact, random assassin dialog from Pulp Fiction rings truer and deeper then the Jedi lies and spin Lucas feeds us.  For example.

The path of the righteous Jedi is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of the Sith.  Blessed is he who, in the name of the Force, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness.  For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.  And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.  And you will know I am a Jedi when I lay my vengeance upon you.

I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you shoved a light saber up his ass.  But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice.  Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man.  And I'm the righteous man.  And Mr. Light Saber here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness.  Or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the Chancellor that's evil and selfish.  I'd like that.  But that shit ain't the truth.  The truth is you're the chosen one, and I'm the tyranny of evil men.  But I'm tryin', Anakin.  I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

Now that would've added some depth, some honesty to the dialog, but unfortunately honesty and depth are in short supply when the script is written by Jedi apologists, shills, and water carriers.  How do you know when Lucas is lying to you?  Jedi speak with wooden tongue.

Master Kenobi:

Obi-wan.  What a piece of human filth is Obi-wan.  What a worthless excuse for a friend.  What a pathetic loser.  What a backstabbing bitch.  No wonder he let Darth Vader strike him down.  He was a feckless Jedi who knew he could just check out, pull a "beam me up Scotty," and ascend to a higher plane where he didn't need a pair of artificial hips, a new set of dentures, and a pair of real balls.  Faced with the greatest test imaginable, he faked a tummy strike and ejected from this mortal world.  What a real Little Leager.  On the bright side, he voluntarily reduced the Jedi population by 50%, surely making his action second only to Palpatine and Vader's in the pantheon of Sith victories.

Let me list the universe of reasons that Kenobi is a pathetic pustule on the ass of the galaxy.

He held Anakin back for too long, failing him in his training, which cost Anakin an arm.

To protect Senator Amidala he, along with Yoda, had Anakin marooned on Naboo, covering for their own incompetence, and this cost Anakin his mother.

During the Clone Wars Anakin had to save his wretched life countless times.  So how did he repay these accumulating life debts?  By destroying Anakin's life.

First, Obi-wan fed Anakin's great love and the mother of his children, Padmé Amidala (Spank-me Love-doll?), scandalous innuendo.  From this she never recovered, even though Anakin only acted out of his profound love for her.

Then Obi-wan plants more worries in her head, conning her into flying off to Anakin.  Of course, Obi-wan then slips on board her ship to continue his back stabbing treachery, because breaking up the world's most loving couple just isn't enough.

So Obi-wan lets the beautiful and very pregnant Senator fly to the enemy's home base in the middle of a WAR on a ship that just screams, "I'm the Nabooian Queen who wrecked your plans time and time again – the one you tried to hold hostage – the one you tried to assassinate on at least three occasions."

The ship lands and Master Kenobi just allows her waddle right out onto the tarmac of the ENEMY BASE without any clever disguise, body-double, or even a good blaster.  That's friendship for you.  She's just another disposable pawn for the Jedi to sacrifice.

So Obi-wan lets Padmé, heavily pregnant Padmé, stand out there, sucking down volcanic carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, sulfur dioxide, NOx compounds, chlorine compounds, and heavy metals like a chain smoker in a burning tobacco warehouse.  Is it any wonder the med droids were stumped?  They probably assumed she'd been breathing, you know, air.

Then the breathless back stabbing fuckweasel lets Padmé confront Anakin with all the ridiculous claims he's spoonfed her, I suppose just curious to see if Anakin would strike her dead.  When that subterfuge failed, he marches out to murder his "friend", already having pretty much ensured the death of his "friend's" wife.  This on the planet where Anakin had just minutes before single-handedly ended the Clone War, the great war of Jedi survival, for which Obi-wan didn't even offer a simple "Thanks".  That's Jedi gratitude for you.

Oh-be-damned then spends more time trying to kill Anakin in a long running light saber duel than he'd spent contemplating whether he should set out to kill his closest friend, his apprentice, his padawan – a decision he reached faster than most people take to decide between waffle fries or tater tots.  That's Jedi loyalty for you.

But oh no, Obi-wan wasn't done yet, not by a long shot, the contemptible Master had not yet begun to connive, to screw over, to damn.  Teasing Anakin into a very risky move, he slices off Anakin's remaining human arm and both legs, sending the blood-spurting torso tumbling downslope toward the lava.  Does Obi-wan do anything?  Anything at all?  Why yes, he lectures, even as Anakin catches on fire from the tremendous heat of the lava. Useless-one just watches his former padawan slowly burn, screaming and pawing with his one robotic arm, his face and body in flames.  His best friend the day before, suddenly he wouldn't piss on Anakin if he were on fire.  That's Jedi loyalty.  That's Jedi friendship.  That's Jedi caring.  That's Jedi mercy.  In that fire, Anakin suffered more than all the people of Alderaan put together.

Not deigning to grant Anakin a warrior's death, nor even human mercy, Obi-wan just turns and walks away, his Jedi schemes and treachery not yet complete.  He's got to make off with Anakin's wife and unborn children, the lowest form of villainy imaginable - and he does so, spiriting away to the predictably pathetic maternity care available on Alderaan.  Medical droids?  What the fuck would they know about pregnancy?  The cute little robot said, "She's just lost the will to live."  Well hell, then give her a Percocet, a Paxil, and slap her on the ass, cause yet another pregnant woman is depressed.  No wonder Bail Organa's wife is childless.  She'd probably poked her head into an Alderaan maternity ward and then immediately flew to Coruscant for a hysterectomy. 

Maybe Padmé's lungs were fried, her bloodstream beset with a witch's brew of inorganic compounds, or is it more likely that Master Yoda, suspiciously close at hand, was using his unnatural powers to solve a problem confronting his almighty Jedi Order?  He sure didn't have a problem with keeping the babies without the consent of either parent now, did he?  His new primary funding source got first pick, as money, power, and influence are always in strange agreement with Jedi decisions.  So Senator Organa opted for the girl, raising her as a princess, filling her head with more Jedi lies, using her as a mule to run weapons and intelligence.  The other of Anakin's precious children was dumped in the desert.  I guess Master Yoda couldn't find a buyer.  Watto must have retired to Corellia.

Look at what these two Jedi masters did.  Face it.  Stare at it long and hard.  Masters of deceit and treachery they are.  They dismembered, disfigured, and burned Anakin.  They brought agonizing death to Anakin's beloved.  They stole his babies.  In what court, what jurisdiction, can a pair of traitorous religious fanatics, ones who had just tried to decapitate the government, snatch up babies and pass them out to whomever they please, just because it suits their twisted purposes?  Hell, Janet Reno would have them burned them alive.  (Then again Janet Reno would've sent Luke to Cuba.)  "It's better for the kids," you say?  One was tortured by her father, saw the planet where she grew up (in ignorance thanks to Yoda) destroyed in front of her eyes, before she fell into the arms of a drug-running scumlord.  The other grew up in abject poverty, saw his family's burning corpses, and had his armed hacked off by that same father.  Isn't it great how Jedi plans work out?  Just so long as it serves the Jedi, just so long as we can all go to the theatre and cheer.

They all would've grown up as an intact and stable family, Padmé saved by the Dark Side powers of the duly elected Chancellor of the Republic, her children safe and protected, knowing the constant hugs of two very intact, powerful, and loving parents.  The importance of such things don't fit into Jedi plans, since Jedi aren't allowed to have families.  The only thing Jedi know about kids are how to snatch up promising youth for brain-washing as expendable pawns, their oozing baby fat the grease that keeps the Republic running in circles, keeps the graft flowing, keeps the Jedi in power.  If snatching Luke and Leia and brainwashing them represents Jedi wisdom, then the wisest man on our own planet is the child-snatching Kim Il-Sung, the all-seeing all-knowing leader of North Korea.  You can tell he's a proto-Jedi just by looking at his hair.

You may think this doesn't affect you, that it's histrionic Sith bullshit.  But every time some schmuck from Child Abductive Services pops in his favorite Star Wars DVD they're given a new impetus to go steal some more children.  Subconsciously these abductive swine are spiriting Luke and Leia away from the evil emperor and Darth Vader, acting like Yoda, like Kenobi, like Kim, like a Jedi, like a Nazi, stealing a pair of twins from their father because they don't agree with his politics.

The Jedi and their ways must be stopped, and Anakin was more than right when he told Kenobi "From my perspective the Jedi are evil."  They're evil from our perspective, too: child snatching vermin, traitorous assassins, knee-jerk religious fanatics.  Their time must end.

Anakin Skywalker:

The Jedi Council never trusted Anakin, because when he arrived he was a fantastically bright boy who had already started thinking for himself.  Independent thought makes Jedi very nervous, because independent thought so often concludes that the Jedi should be eliminated.  Qui-Jon was headed down that path.  Yoda's apprentice Count Dooku followed it.  Anakin could sense it, too.  Sith know it from their toes to their bones. 

It horrifies me to see how people flock to the Jedi cause, adopt Jedi philosophy, all because of some cheesy movies with great musical scores.  If Stalin or Hitler had Lucas handling PR then we'd be enthralled with the righteousness of the Gestapo, the Stasi, the KGB.  You have to reach out with the Dark Side and trace your hands across the face of the evil that the Jedi support, that the Jedi are, and then you too can shatter your blinders and walk reborn, walk as Sith.  To those who recoil from this obvious truth I ask, "Do you really get your political philosophy from a bunch of liberal Hollywood movies and a pile of glitzy video games?"  Um, don't answer that.

Lucas takes the truth and twists it, using music and lighting to color your perceptions.  He's so skilled at it that he could make you want to marry a camel with one beautifully lit slow motion gallop scene.  Don't be fooled by Hollywood trickery.  Don't fall for Jedi lies.  Anakin didn't, being strong in the Force, the truth finally flowing through him, the lies and deception washed away, exposing the perfidity and treachery of the Jedi Council, of the Jedi.  Once you break through the smokescreen, spit out the Kool-Aid, it all slams into focus.  Anakin didn't "fall to the Dark Side"; he came to his fucking senses.

The Republic had to be broken.  The Jedi had to be stopped.  They all had to die, even the younglings.  Just as it was once said that it was too late for Anakin to start the training, it was also too late for the younglings to end the training.  They would one day become full Jedi and reinstate the pointless cycle, give rebirth to the failed system that only serves the corrupt and the powerful, or die in the attempt.  Each was already fated for death, whether by one of Yoda's many pointless missions, missions to maintain the status quo, or by the Empire's righteous hand.

Anakin knew this, his new perception of reality bringing him clarity of purpose, of resolve.  Each youngling wasn't a mere child but a violent killer, a light saber placed into their hands from the moment they could hold it.  Killers born to kill; killers spawned by midichlorians to kill; killers trained to kill.  Senator Bail Organa was witness to an escaping youngling hacking down a squad of mighty storm troopers, fortunately in the open where other brave troopers could end his fierce rampage, so just  imagine the danger if these tyrannical tots had gotten into the Coruscant air shafts, the sewers, killing anyone in their dread paths.  Anakin knew this fully, foresaw the danger, and thus he knew why they must die – quickly, efficiently, and brutally – the younglings must all die.

For this most necessary act, Obi-wan and then Padmé abandoned him, the serpent seducing Eve with the fruit of omission, with his well-polished Jedi lies.  Then the serpent tempted Eve to her death, spitting poisonous untruths about her Adam, finally finishing her off with the lie that her beloved Romeo was dead, before making off with her newborn children.  Yet on this world Obi-wan, the venomous vile serpent, is lauded as a heroic figure and paragon of virtue and righteousness.  I spit back at him, and revel in his well-deserved death at Vader's mightily aggrieved hand.

Vader is the pinnacle of duty and honor.  Intolerant of failure, sure footed in efficiently advancing toward the goals of more than just Galactic peace, but Galactic prosperity.  When Boba Fett delivered up Han Solo, Vader froze him in carbonite and delivered on his end of the bargain, despite the staggeringly greater advantage he could've had by screwing Fett and keeping Solo as a hostage, a pawn.  He did this because to a Sith binding promises are to be kept, quite unlike the situational ethics of the Jedi.  Obi-wan said that only the Sith deal in absolutes.  Well true, and much of what the Jedi do is absolutely wrong, absolutely evil, but the Jedi have sayings to excuse anything, even murder, treason, and assassination.

In Return of the Jedi Lucas made us believe that love pulled Vader from the Dark Side, yet as we see in Revenge of the Sith it was his unbounded love that drove him there.  His love for Padmé never burned stronger than when he'd gone fully to the Dark Side, because the Dark Side is love.  I'm surprised Lucas didn't leave that scene on the cutting room floor, because it's a crack in his vaunted universe.  It's the Jedi who are allowed no powerful love, no devotion, and no feelings for anything but maintaining the Jedi Order.  It's the Jedi who are heartless killers, plotters, assassins, kidnappers.  It's the Jedi who are vermin, the vile stench in the nostrils of G-d.

Immersed as you undoubtedly are in Jedi lies, you no doubt reflexively hate Vader for his hatred of the Jedi.  Yet I ask, what's not to hate, especially from his perspective?  What did the Jedi do for him?

Well, Qui-Gon Jinn freed him.  Strike that.  Qui-Gon only bet on him.  It was Anakin that put his very life on the line while the Jedi sat in the stands sipping mint juleps.  Having won the bet, they ripped him from his mother and flew him to Coruscant, where the whole council had fun berating and demeaning him.  Yet being Jedi, all that is good and light in the universe, and having an operating budget that could buy and sell whole star systems, they opted to leave his mom in chattel slavery. 

Wisely, Yoda knew that buying her freedom would leave them short of funds for repainting the lower-deck bathroom stalls on Star Destroyer number 1,384 in mothball orbit around the Nemodian moon in the Sucketh VII system.  It was cheaper by far to tell Anakin to forget about his mom.  But it all came out happily in the end, because although his mother was kidnapped, tortured, used as a fuck toy, and beaten to death by inhuman savages, he finally got the shifter on his speeder bike to quit sticking.  Under careful and warm Jedi tutelage, his life pretty much went downhill from there.  I'm sure Yoda told him to buck up and take it like a Jedi.

Face it.  Shocking and tragic as it is, compared to his wife's death, his mother died in overwhelming blissful peace and happiness.  I'm serious.  Padme died in living hell from emotional wounds, feeling bereft and alone because of Jedi lies and treachery, while Anakin's mother at least died smiling at the sight of him, basking in his love.  In between the two tragic events he was mistrusted, held back, insulted, disrespected, and used as cheap Jedi cannon fodder.  Afterward he just had the Jedi steal his kids, fill their heads with lies, turn the two against him, and all while the mindless Jedi minions, puppets, and tools continue to defame him to such an extent that his name is now synonymous with "absolute evil". 

I ask you, why shouldn't he harbor some anger?  If you tally up the sum of the dreadful deeds, the accepted Jedi lies and propaganda, what Lucas fed us makes no more sense than decrying Jews, Gypsys, and gays as absolutely evil for what they did to Hitler.  Yet put it to a good soundtrack, back it up with some clever lighting and cool props, and weak-minded fools in the movie theater nod their heads up and down and up and down like the spring-necked doggie on the dashboard.  Master Kenobi was ever so right about the weak minded.

Anakin was prophesied to restore balance to the Force.  He did.  The balance was Karmic.

[On to PART II].

May 27, 2005 in fluff | Permalink

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Comments

Real-time commenting: I've read 90% of it and it's wonderful! And yet, all the while, there's been an elephant in the room: You lot blew up an entire friggin' planet! A real purty one, in fact. There's no way you're gonna spin that into respectability... are you?

(pause...)

Well... not quite. But real life is messy that way. I think in your heart of hearts you know that the Alderaan thing was overkill. But insofar as the veil has been lifted and the Jedi (especially Yoda) have been conclusively proven to be assholes, I'm gonna overlook that. Darth Bunny at your service, and thanks!

Posted by: Supernatural Rabbit Scribe at May 28, 2005 2:07:45 PM

One remark for you..... Jedi think about all life...the Sith only think of themselves. Much ignorance comes from such narrow view.

Posted by: unknown at Jun 4, 2005 3:28:50 AM

Unknown,

Methinks the Sith read Ayn Rand.

Posted by: Steve at Jun 7, 2005 1:32:16 PM

Brilliant! Hysterically funny. Ever since the final scene of the original "Star Wars," when Luke and his buddies were presented with gold medals in a ceremony that looked suspiciously like it could have been held at the Berlin Olympics of 1936, I've had a queasy feeling about the Jedi Knights. Your analysis should be required reading in every high school English class as a perfect example of persuasive argument. Thanks for the chuckle.

Posted by: Don Dixon at Jun 24, 2005 3:33:03 PM

Thats great. check out darth vader scratching here. Calls himself the daft fadder..

Posted by: dave bones at Aug 24, 2005 12:51:12 PM

Ah, a common propaganda tactic. You attempt to make your own view more appealing by pointing out the faults and weaknesses of the other view. You bash them rather than justify yourself. In the text above not once do you speak of the wrong doings of the Sith.
That said I agree with you for the most part. The Jedi were corrupt and it was the chosen one's duty to wipe both them and the sith from the face of the Galaxy so that it could begin anew.
I can't say enough how much I agree with you about Mace Windu. He is an arrogant, idiotic, and worse, fanboy overated douchbag. I don't care how good with a saber the SOB is, skill with a lazer sword does not a great Jedi make!
If there's one thing i'm in total disagreement on it has to be Anakin. Anakin did not do what he did in EP3 for love. He did it out of selfishness. Had he loved padme he would have never done what he did, he did what he did because he felt he couldn't live without her.
True love is what he did for Luke in ROTJ, self sacrifice. This is what the Jedi fail to realize, attachment is not bad. But that's why Luke and the New Jedi order will be allowed to love, to have attachment.
Finally, you said that Qui-gon was on the path to becoming a Sith. He wasn't. The fact that he disagreed with the council was just proof that he was a "true" Jedi. Or how the Jedi should have been. A Jedi who did good, but remained an individual, and not an automaton of the order. Just as Luke became.
Those were the teachings he passed on too Obi-wan and Yoda in their exile.

All in all, whilst I agree with your views on the Jedi of the old republic, it in no way makes the Sith anymore than they already are in my eyes. Fool, fools who are blinded by power and willing slaves to the darkness.

Posted by: Sepharih at Aug 26, 2005 9:17:16 PM

^cont.
Please forgive me. I said that in the above you had not attempted to justify the actions of the Sith. I did not see this was discussed more fully in part 2. My views still stand, but ignore that statement. Sorry again.

Posted by: Sepharih at Aug 26, 2005 9:20:38 PM

A lot of good points - Lucas was designing a much more sophisticated universe for films I - III than IV - VI & in many ways is seting up Anakin to be an amalgam of Jedi & Sith.

This post has to put up one side as the absolute good & therefore the other as absolute evil because that is how fiction works. With the exception of the wars against Milosevic by the USA, NATO, Germany, Vatican, al Quaeda, Croatian & Bosnian Nazis, KLA drug dealers & child sex slavers & Clinton it is very difficult to find absolute evil on one side in real life.

The criticisms of the Jedi as being a religious movement & therefore are also misleading because, it is only religions which don't work & therefore rely on faith that have to promote ignorance. Jedism is religion that does work (on film) & is therefore not automatically evil.

Posted by: Neil Craig at Nov 14, 2005 6:38:09 PM

This is absolutely fantastic. This points out all the shit that Lucas tried to hide. But, of course, the props and lighting were what sold the movie anyway. Vader had the right idea, and Kenobi had his head up his ass. Kudos.

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Posted by: adcox at Sep 11, 2007 12:07:59 AM

I see your point. very well made argument.

but when you said mace windu was "some two-credit vigilante assassin," I assume you were meaning an equivalent of "two-bit" rather than "two-dollar," yes?

the closest approximation would have been to say he were "some two-decicred vigilante assassin."

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