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January 11, 2004

You Can't Buy a Plastic Turkey

An interesting exchange over on the Rott in this thread.

Petey, one of the many noxious trolls, asks

How about pictures of the Prez holding a fake plastic turkey?

Misha, strong of tongue, replies

How 'bout you not using idiotic rumors that have been debunked 7 million times as "argument"? I cannot BELIEVE that there are still people that haven't heard about the "plastic turkey" lie.

Petey returns with

I hadn't heard otherwise. I have obviously been misinformed regarding the turkey. Please enlighten me with links and things. I never want to argue using false facts. Seriously.


I knew there is no such thing as a fake turkey, the closest thing being a rubber chicken. But just to be sure, I googled upside down and inside out, and the only plastic turkey I could find for sale was about 3 inches high. When people want a fake turkey, they use a fake one with feathers, usually made out of paper. For a display turkey people just bake one and set it out. Plastic just doesn't do a convincing imitation of roast bird, and real birds are cheap as dirt.

So anyway, Petey inspired my muse, so I wrote a really bad Dr. Seuss response to him.



I know you stoooopid people think the turkey was plastic. In fact, the entire media establishment and the Democratic party also think it was plastic.

Unfortunately, plastic turkeys don't actually exist. Maybe you should make sure your idiot conspiracy theories involve actual products that are manufactured and sold somewhere in this solar system.

You can't buy a plastic turkey.

You can't buy a plastic turkey.
You can't buy a plastic turkey in a store,
or at the yardsale, right next door.
You can't buy one on the web,
You can't buy one from Miss Deb.

You can't buy a plastic turkey off the rack,
nor from a church house in Iraq
You can't buy a plastic turkey from TV,
nor QVC, nor on any shopping spree.

They don't make them, don't you see?
Why is the left filled with glee,
over a story that cannot be.
Could it be they're dumb as pee?

I think they're too blind to see
How daft the story they show to me.
I don't buy it.
Not at all.
I don't buy it.
No not me.

Cause I've searched all sources,
scanned them all.
No plastic turkeys are for sale.
They just can't compete, with butterball
at a buck a pound, that is all.

Three thousand google hits, plus more
on "plastic turkey", yet no store.
How can pundits write such tripe?
Why do Dem's believe such hype?
How can so many preach to thee,
Yet not a brain between them be?

January 11, 2004 in Political Songs | Permalink


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The closest thing to a plastic turkey that I know of is something I'm sure President Bush wouldn't want to be seen with: the monstrosity that calls itself "turkey" but is actually made of tofu!

Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger at Jan 11, 2004 9:49:40 AM

Ye ghods--you mean that hideous Tofurkey? I've seen that stuff--it doesn't even look appetizing. Just a lump of chalky, flavored goo. Bleagh!


Posted by: Denita TwoDragons at Jan 11, 2004 11:45:07 AM

The argument seems to lie in semantics... the turkey may not have been plastic, but it was a decoration.


"...the White House said the turkey was a decoration adorning the steam table where GIs picked up their food on cafeteria-style trays. The White House said the bird had been furnished by a contractor, and that officials had no idea that the turkey would be in the mess hall, or that the president would pick up the trophy turkey."

Personally, I thought the Baghdad trip was pretty cool, and the fact that the turkey in the photo-op was fake doesn't detract from it.

Posted by: John at Jan 11, 2004 6:05:47 PM

The photo-op turkey was a real turkey. It was merely a whole, uncarved turkey, as oposed to the carved ones piled slice by slice in the chafing dishes.

And as for the "fake" turkey being supplied by a contractor? It was all supplied by a contractor. This particular mess is administered and operated by a contractor and not by military personnel.

And yes, for those extreme conspiracy types out there, it is a subsidiary of Haliburton. So what?

Posted by: Mamamontezz at Jan 11, 2004 6:23:53 PM


A picture of Bush holding up a stainless steel pan filled with pre-cut turkey sliceswouldn't exactly look apetizing.

How can people who've eaten food all their lives not know that in an institutional cafeteria you don't actually get a French chef with a carving knife hovering over your table?

Posted by: George Turner at Jan 11, 2004 6:35:16 PM

John, if by "fake" you mean "a real, honest-to-goodness cooked turkey,
that was later carved up and served up for consumption
", then I suppose you are correct.

"Semantics", ya' know? ;)

Posted by: B.C. at Jan 11, 2004 11:19:03 PM

Oh, and in my 10 years of USAF service, all of our AF chow hall meals were served by "contractors".
We also had "decorative turkeys" at the beginning of the line, each and every Thanksgiving.
(And not ONCE did the damned POTUS show up to serve us! The bastards!) ;)

Damn. It's almost 11:30 PM and all this Turkey Talkā„¢ has made me hungry again. :)

Posted by: B.C. at Jan 11, 2004 11:24:09 PM

For some reason I edited out my last line, but Mamamontezz said it anyway: "So what?" The photo-op was some very good p.r., and the turkey thing just seems like a very minor footnote in which no one seems to know all the facts. If the turkey was cooked or plastic or made of tofu, does it sway anything that happened one way or the other?

Posted by: John at Jan 13, 2004 2:19:02 PM

Actually John,

If that turkey was tofu I'd be thinking of voting for Dean. Fortunately I don't have to worry because there's no way the Secret Service would let a Tofurkey get within 100 feet of the President.

Posted by: George Turner at Jan 13, 2004 2:22:52 PM

It seems that you can now buy..an artificial turkey. On the Letterman show tonight they had the guy from the Deli grab someone off the street for a competition where the goal was to throw an =artificial turkey= off the building into a bucket of "gravy" on the street below. The contestant was given three shots. The first fake turkey went wide and bounced really high off the pavement. The second hit dead on, sending gravy everywhere... It seems someone, maybe the letterman show considering the budget they could throw at it(?)... someone, in any case, has heard the call and made an artificial turkey...

Posted by: Bryan Travis at Nov 24, 2004 12:05:05 AM

In Japan there are no turkeys. We are deprived.

Posted by: Joseph Reinhart at Dec 8, 2004 6:55:16 AM

There really are fake turkeys. I was searching your web site for one. You can order them from Bard International Baba's Market www.bardintl.com/babas.htm. but only if you are a retailer. We are trying to find one for our Holiday Open House at Luther Burbank Home & Gardens. We had ordered one but they are out of stock. If anyone has a "plastice or artifical turkey" we would like to know. We cannot use "real" meat in this historic house.

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