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May 20, 2004

Australia Customs find WMD

Rhi from Creative Slips sent me a link to this story from Australia, along with a link to the featured product. I figure it's some kind of Weapon of Moronic Design.

Deadly weapons cache seized
By Holly Lloyd-McDonald

A FRIGHTENING, multi-bladed knife destined for Melbourne's streets was among a cache of weapons seized by Customs yesterday.


Tell us again, Holly, what kind of knife was it?

A FRIGHTENING, multi-bladed knife

Oooo… That sounds terrifying.

Officers detected the 50cm knife during an X-ray of air cargo from the US at Sydney airport last month.

Oooo…. 50 cm. That sounds so, well, frighteningly lethal, if you can get killed by frightening looking things.

Bound for Melbourne, the four-pronged attack knife was found with a small arsenal including a sword stick, trench knives, a double-edged dagger and other knives.

Oh no! It's the dreaded four-pronged attack knife! Make it go away! Make it go away!

The four-bladed knife has a silver-studded cuff wrapping around the wrist while the hand grasps the handle.

Oh no, it's the silver-studded cuffed four-pronged attack knife from hell. Run for your lives!

The handle is connected to two small flick-knife sized blades and two 25cm larger knives, with a total length of 50cm.

Even worse, the silver-studded cuffed four-pronged attack knife with dual flick-knife accessory! How can anyone gaze upon it without trembling in fear, or maybe bursting into apoplectic fits of laughter.

It is believed the knives were bought over the internet.

There are some things that simply have to be bought over the internet, because carrying them to your car can be a bit too embarrassing. And if you want one of these beauties, it's yours for just $76.99 $64.95!

Victorian Customs regional director Jenny Peachey said buyers should not assume anything could be imported if bought on the internet.

"Knives and other weapons are restricted imports," Ms Peachey said. "A permit to import a restricted item can be applied for prior to importation."

Well is that just Peachy, Ms Peachey. The darn thing is about a tenth as deadly as your average shovel, much less an axe. Hey, maybe it could at least be useful for blocking a few bullets during one of those post-gun-ban drive-by machine-gunning of people's houses.

Customs corporate spokesman Michael Carter said the matter had been investigated and no one would be prosecuted.

"In this instance, a warning has been issued," Mr Carter said.

Yes, like "Don't buy any silly crap like that again! Get you a nice MP5 like all the other hoods."

"From now on they will be monitored for any incoming or outgoing cargo."

Monitoring it just out of morbid curiosity, I'm sure. But certainly Australians sleep soundly at night knowing that customs agents are keeping cheap, tacky do-whatsits from defiling their fair country's enlightened and well reasoned weapon laws, even if they occassionally have to dive to the floor to avoid the incoming gangland machine-gun fire. Sure, we've had our Australian heros like Paul Hogan, Mel Gibson, and Russell Crowe, but screw them all. My new hero is the customs guy with that grim visage that just eeks manliness. I can here him now saying "Behold this vicious piece of death-dealing steel that I found in a Fex Ex box. Look upon me and despair, for I am mighty." So you know somewhere down under, even as we speak, that customs agent is out playing Mad Max with his new toy. He's already jabbed all his cans of Cooper's Lager, tried using it to flip steaks on the barbee, and done over $200 worth of drywall damage to his house. That just makes my day a little brighter.

May 20, 2004 in Politics | Permalink


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Tracked on May 21, 2004 8:02:45 PM


Attack knife? Attack knife? We must surely eschew these vicious weapons of death and destruction, and stick to purely defensive weapons, like...umm...

Posted by: John "Akatsukami" Braue at May 20, 2004 8:02:18 AM

What a bunch of goobers.

Posted by: Dick at May 20, 2004 10:09:46 AM

When I first saw that thing I assumed it was some kind of hedge trimmer.

Upon closer inspection of course, it appears to be useless of pretty much everything except amusement.

Posted by: Brock at May 20, 2004 11:11:06 AM


Oh nooo! It's the Dread Attack Knife™! Hide your daughters!

Actually, it just might work. The hysterical bouts of laughter if somebody ever drew that piece of over-priced garbage on me would REALLY fuck with my grouping.

And I just LOVED the way they measured the "length of the blade" by adding up the lengths of each individual blade. I reckon that, using that line of "reasoning", I have a 10 yard "Attack Knife" laying around in my silverware drawer alone.

Posted by: Emperor Misha I at May 20, 2004 11:50:17 AM

The attempted Aussie remake of Edward Scissorhands was foiled when an alert customs agent seized the key prop. Johnny Depp was heard to comment; "Vincent Price is now dead, Wynonna Ryder is in jail for shoplifting and who would want to try to revitalize Anthony Michael Hall's career anyway?"

Posted by: Craig at May 20, 2004 12:26:48 PM

It may be useless... but it looks cool IMO -- and I'm sure Excalibur Brothers are very grateful to Holly for the free advert, heck the article's picture makes it look much cooler with the blades framing the guy's face and pointing toward the lens, than it did on EB's own site held limply by a weedy looking hand.

Posted by: Scott at May 20, 2004 12:34:29 PM

That thing looks like a prop from a really bad post-apocalypse movie.

Or maybe it's the protoype for the new Mach 4 razor. Ya know, the first blade picks up the whisker, and the next three shave it real close.

Posted by: Bishop at May 20, 2004 12:38:14 PM

The attempted Aussie remake of Edward Scissorhands was foiled when an alert customs agent seized the key prop. Johnny Depp was heard to comment; "Vincent Price is now dead, Wynonna Ryder is in jail for shoplifting and who would want to try to revitalize Anthony Michael Hall's career anyway?"

Posted by: Craig at May 20, 2004 12:44:28 PM

Thank goodness, they may have averted a major muslim uprising down under! Imagine how many decapitation videos they could have filmed with that bad boy? Unwary infidels beware. (that was the third shipment, and the first two got through)

Posted by: Benton at May 20, 2004 2:48:13 PM

If you had a big garden it might be useful for weeding, or cutting lettuce.

And you could pretend to be 'Wolverine' from the X-Men and put on a little demonstration for your friends, when you and everybody else is drunk and its OK to behave like a complete ass.

Posted by: lauraw at May 20, 2004 3:13:37 PM

If you want to see more weapons of moronic design, just go to bud k online. That's where I first saw that piece of junk. Buy a sword from anywhere, and everyone is suddenly beating down your door to sell you junk.

Did Australia's weapons ban get extended into a "common sense" ban, or "good taste" ban as well? From the sounds of that article, and the fact that someone down under bought that monstrosity, I'm guessing both.

Posted by: Scott at May 20, 2004 3:34:54 PM

oooh im so frightened, someone hold me...

Posted by: rumcrook at May 20, 2004 9:50:34 PM

There there, Rumcrook. *pat pat* It'll be ok. The nice customs agent took the scary thing away...

Hmm... I wonder if it also comes with a sling-shot attachment???

Posted by: George Turner at May 20, 2004 10:08:39 PM

by the looks of it not only did it probably come with a slingshot attachment it also came with a rebel flag and a mullet...

Posted by: rumcrook at May 21, 2004 12:23:03 PM

Even funnier -- did you notice the expression on the guy's face in the photo? It may that he's got a funny feeling, erm, 'down under' for the first time ever...

Posted by: Linda at May 21, 2004 3:28:52 PM

What happened? Did the queen's shipment of toys go astray?

Posted by: Jack at May 24, 2004 1:00:12 AM