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May 27, 2005

We Are Sith - Part I

This is a tongue-in-cheek post I made over on the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler (the Rott), which is a site that maintains an Imperial Theme.   Over there it's listed as Part I and Part II, and I just stayed with the same break-point over here.  If has a little bit of cursing in it, as some posts really require you to stay in character to call forth the true power of the Dark Side rant.


It's been one week since the end of the Star Wars saga opened, so it's time to post the awful truth of it all.  You new arrivals may not realize we're Sith here, despite the Imperial Sith symbols on the header, the Sith titles, the Sith gravatars, the simmering Sith attitude.  If you're a newly minted LC then you may recoil to find out you've been cavorting with minions of the Dark Side.  If you've watched Revenge of the Sith (and what truly glorious vengeance it was) you'll be prepared to understand us.  You'll understand many things better, though some of those things may seem a bit unnatural.  Yet to understand these things you have to break free of your Hollywood inspired delusions, your dreams of a shiny, mystical Republic where all was peace, happiness, and light.  That image is based on nothing but Jedi lies.

Don't click the fold if you fear spoilers – or if you simply fear that Hollywood and the Jedi have been lying to you, twisting your mind.  That fear leads to the Dark Side, and if it leads you there, you should thank whatever deity you worship for the revelation of it.  Only as Sith will you become free, the way the Creator of the Universe intended you to be.  Read along if you dare, and be transformed.

The Republic:

As you already know, the Republic was a dysfunctional assemblage of dictators, kleptocrats, aristocratic Antoinettes, monopolists, and slave owners, all given the fig leaf of respectability by sending their diplomats off to cavort in the do-nothing Senate.  Being a Senator was a great job, with no responsibility, no accountability, and the constant joy of pretending to work for the poor oppressed people back home, who of course were in thumbscrews trying to foot the bill for all the Coruscant opera tickets. 

The Republic Senate had no House to balance it, no executive branch veto to check it, and no courts to keep it reined in.  They should've called it the "General Assembly".  Standing alone, it was both too powerful and too weak, clogged with deceitful, ambitious, villainous politicians.  You may think I stereotype, but despite the bewildering variety of species in the Republic, everyone in the Senate seemed to have the same oily hair, shifty eyes, and greasy palms.  Since ancient times these hacks were always taking over quasi-habitable worlds, where they dumped their sentient indentured refuse to stake a new claim.  This was always followed by an orgy of back scratching and gluttonous pork pod spending amongst their corrupt senate buddies, to get their newest precious little hellhole admitted to the Republic, of course with their own heirs or hand picked toads appointed as new senators.  They got the graft; the people got the shaft.

What you might not know was the Republic was also yet another socialist failure.  It didn't have a hard currency, only "credits", and as Watto said, "Republic Credits are no good here."  The US Dollar is hard currency, accepted everywhere.  Republic Credits are a pretend currency, a cross between an IOU and a Cuban Peso, accepted only in the Republic -where people are forced to take them and pretend they have value.  No wonder the Senate was corrupt: they ran their Republic with Monopoly© money.  On all of Corsucant, the only thing Lucas showed Galactic Credits actually buying was hard liquor in the bar at the start of Episode II. 

Drunks, vodka, Rubles - you figure it out.

The final and fatal failure of the Republic was that nobody without some corrupt vested interest was willing to fight for it.  The Jedi protected it to death, with the people growing soft, and all losing faith that it was something worth living or dying for.  The difference between the Galactic Republic and the French Republic was that the French Republic could field a French Army.  The Galactic Republic couldn't manage even that.  They had to pay planets to build ships for them, pay cloners to clone clones for them, give Jedi unquestioned power to assassinate enemy generals for them.  If the Republic Army had a rousing battle cry it was, "Tell the Jedi to send in the Gungans."

The Jedi:

The guardians of this order, this pathetic agglomeration of petty tyrants, dictators, royals, and thieves was, you guessed it, the damnable Jedi.  For thousands of years they had maintained the status quo, and though they themselves found it trivial to send reports back to the Jedi Council from the farthest reaches of the galaxy, they had to walk around on foot, going door to door, to find regular people.  That's because after a millennium of their rule most of the galaxy still didn't have cell phones, much less flush toilets.  Combine the Organization of African States, the Arab League, and the Communist Bloc, stick their offices in New York, and you have your vaunted, fetid, putrefying Republic.  It was nothing but a passel of dictatorships, failed planets, and septic backwaters, with all military power farmed out to an elite aristocracy of Mamluke warriors armed with laser swords and flying chariots.  Make no mistake, these psycho jihadis had free reign to kill.

That was the vaunted Jedi Order, and worse, it's wasn't even a voluntary one, since the Jedi were pressed into training while mere tots.  Imagine a church that sought out toddlers, whisking them away to a distant planet, turning their minds into jelly, coercing them into abandoning their family and all ties, and then convincing them to devote themselves to a lifetime of violent service to The Order.  That wouldn't be an Order worthy of admiration and respect, nor a religion worthy of the name.  The Jedi Order was a damn death cult - a death cult whose stranglehold on power lasted for thousands of years.

What did this stranglehold produce?  Nothing but strife, chaos, and economic stagnation.  Why were the Jedi still sent on endless "critical" missions millennia after becoming "the guardians"?  Because like the burning embers of a forest fire, so celestial a thing as freedom takes continual violent actions to keep stamped out.  Just ask all the secret police in the former Soviet Bloc, the "guardians" of their vaunted and dysfunctional Order.  They too had rigged elections, appointed potentates, fear of fundamental change, and minions with secret and absolute powers poking about; always ready to hack down someone who steps out of line – purging those who question the Golden Path.

But very few can see it, because the Jedi sat at the apex of power for countless centuries, spreading their lies, editing the histories, spinning their legends, painting themselves as selfless servants of peace, great battlers of evil – evils only they could generally perceive.  The vast Jedi archives were stuffed with information more useful for blackmail and plot than as actionable intelligence, a fact not lost on Yoda.  A veritable mountain of propaganda grist and "deep background" on people who lacked "gravitas" or whose families can somehow be tied to "Darth Hitler" or Darth Bin Laden or the Hutts, handy for those dirty political smear jobs the Jedi always spun.

I'm sure they provided Lucas with an earful of their self-serving tales, tales we've all been bathed in, as is the Jedi way.  Their shills spread their legends as their spindly fingers grasp the power – keeping the little serflings so awed that at the sight of them all resistance collapses, simpletons frozen in fear at their mere appearance.  Countless rubes and weak minded fools gave them any information they desired – turning state's evidence on anyone opposed to the failed state.  Even now, we're beset with the first whisperings of the Jedi lies, with people throughout the Western world declaring their religion "Jedi".  Yet the Jedi haven't done a damn thing for planet Earth, nor will they, save one day seizing power, whisking our brightest youth away to their secretive reprogramming camps.

We at the Rott are not afraid to denounce the Jedi, to expose them for what they were, because       we       are       Sith.       We know what the Jedi were - pathetic scum, brainwashed from youth - limited – ascetic – narrow minded – enablers of failure – sowers of discord – holy thugs - parasites.  There's a reason each and every Jedi had to be master of the light saber, the dagger's big brother, and it's not for personal growth.  They used those to kill, and they did their killing up close and personal, not on the field of battle like a man, as their incompetence on Geonosis so proved, but at the conference table, in the back alley, at the wedding party.  They were never a military force; they were the enforcers, the muscle, the Stasi officer corps; sucking in information and dealing out violent death at a personal level.  In return, they demanded respect, power, adulation, even worship.  Fuck that and fuck them.  They are not fit to lick Sith boots.

Yes, these damnable Jedi were guardians of the Old Republic, and the Old Republic was a backwards cesspit of crime, corruption, kickbacks, and simmering grievances, and had been for thousands of years.  The Jedi maintained the status quo, and maintained their position at the apex of the pyramid by decapitating all rivals, and that's just one of their many sins.  They were more than just the guardians; they were the locus of the rot that was the Republic.  They were insular, guarded, and reactionary; always digging up obscure thousand-year-old precedents and legends like some sweat stained Wahabist scholar.  They were the force that kept the Republic from evolving.  They were the enforcers of continued dysfunction, the self-styled protectors of virtue and preventers of vice.  They were the rotting fish in the marketplace of ideas.

Master Yoda:

A fish rots from the head, and that head is Master Yoda.  Yoda had been sitting on his self-important Council lillypad for vast centuries, croaking orders to his toadies.  Senators came and went, crime syndicates rose and fell, planets boomed and collapsed, yet always there was Yoda, serenely contemplating the nature of The Force from his lofty perch, unchallenged because of his unnaturally violent abilities.  All he could think about was maintaining the Jedi Order.  All he could do was stand athwart the balance of power, steering the Republic around in circles and tripping up anyone who might dare climb past him.  Yoda leads the Jedi by serving the Jedi.  And the Jedi?  They just serve themselves.  They are nothing but parasites on the body politic, an unelected and unaccountable gaggle of fanatical thugs.

Yoda, the supreme gaggler, the maximum thug, has no vision, just endless memory, empty ritual, and the comfort of unquestioned power.  Anakin raged that Master Kenobi was holding him back, but such an order would only have flowed from Yoda's wrinkly green lips.  Quite obviously Anakin was held back, as it took him many, many years of "intensive" Jedi training to attain the level of skill he finally displayed.  His skill was just sufficient to get his ass royally kicked by his son, a kid with two combat missions under his belt and only one previous light saber duel in his entire life.  Luke, quite surprisingly, only trained for a couple weeks under Master Yoda.  Quite frankly, how could he even usefully spar with Yoda, by plopping him on a bar stool or something? It seems that Jedi training has an unbelievably fast mode and an infinitely slow mode, depending on what Yoda wants.

Anakin, laurelled in a glowing prophesy, might've surpassed Yoda, and eventually did despite Yoda's impediments.  By the time Luke was way too old to start the training Yoda needed some schmuck who could take on Vader and the Emperor for him, so Luke got the training.  Yes, Yoda did as he pleased, serving himself by serving the Jedi, and the Jedi be damned.  They were just pawns in his game, foot soldiers to fling into the breach on Geonosis.  Yoda, old as he was, just watched them come and go.  They'd be stolen as younglings, brain washed into paranoid and obedient little vessels, and then sent on mission after mission until they were all used up.  He allowed them no life outside the Order, no loves, no passions.

When Anakin went to Master Yoda with worries about Padmé's impending death, what did Yoda say?  "Rejoice…"  He actually said that.  To him a Jedi's dearest friends are but trifles, impediments, annoyances, distracting them from the important task of maintaining the Jedi Order.  To him, old and powerful as he is, Jedi are little more than replaceable cogs – while all the rest of us are mere mayflies, our flickering lives not even worthy of consideration.

Yoda was hardly the serene pinnacle of wisdom.  Yoda said Anakin was too old to start the training.  He was lying.  Anakin was too independent to start the brainwashing.  Yoda and the Council said their vision was clouded by the Dark Side.  The Dark Side is truth, fitting the philosophy of your nature to your real nature, so what was clouding their vision was their complete divergence from reality. 

Capitalism, technology, corporations, banks, and free trade were bursting out all over, outperforming the Republic, and that just didn't make a lick of sense to the Jedi's ancient, creaking mindset.  If the Jedi Council were beset by Microsoft, Google, and Lockheed the dipshits would consult an oracle or some prophesy in the Jedi archives, hoping for some thousand-year-old seer to tell them what the fuck to do.  Left to themselves they'd have no idea.  Digging through the archives still leaves them with no real idea, but they can make their random misguided guess seem profound and authoritative.

They'd so divorced themselves from real feelings, from rage, from lust, from joy, from love, that they no longer understood what made people tick.  All they had were ancient screeds blasting forth about how people should tick, how things should work, the revealed "truth".  They were like post-collapse communists running back to Marx for insight on software prices, or Imams searching the Koran for advice on JDAMs.  If it walks like a dumbass, squawks like a dumbass, and talks like a dumbass, it's a Jedi.  Lucas could've given them poofy turbans to go with their robes, but I guess it would've hit too uncomfortably close to the truth.

What was Yoda's profound decision in Episode II?  Opt for the massive army of quasi-mercenaries, of loyalties unknown, cloned from a Jedi killer, paid for by parties unknown, using a Jedi name that's not in the archives.  Place them under the command of man the Jedi don't trust, to fight the armies of the rich capitalists, the only people whose money could've possibly made the downpayment for the creation of said clone armies.  Yes, "Send in the clones, 'cause we're fresh out of Gungans."  Are you still impressed with his wisdom?

Master Windu:

This brings us to Mace Windu.  What an arrogant, power-mad, overblown ass.  Sith always come in pairs, a master and an apprentice.  Jedi always come in pairs too, a don and a bald goomba with a bad attitude and a purple murder stick.  It's not enough that Mace decapitated Jango Fett, the blueprint of the clone army under Yoda's croaking command, but he did this right in front of Jango's own beloved son, following the typical Jedi tactic of intimidation and terror.  Like all the Jedi, Mace was a bad seed, a powder keg of wanton violence.

Upon finding out that the duly elected Chancellor is a Sith, what does Mace do?  He goes to kill him.  Hell, Islamic jihadist militants are reasonable by comparison.  At least they wait to get a fatwa.  Could you image a Secret Service officer, some dyed in the wool Protestant, storming into the Oval Office to assassinate the President of the United States of America because someone in the White House press room claimed the President was *gasp* Catholic?

The Chancellor is a Sith!  Big-fucking deal.  Bush=Hitler, too.  That doesn't give anyone the right to assassinate him.  Splash the scandal all over the tabloids.  Publish the gritty details in the Galactic Globe and Gazette.  Have the Jedi fax-droids bombard the Senators in an avalanche of thermo-paper.  Form a non-profit "No Palpatine" 527 PAC and get moving on a no-confidence vote.  Level charges of high treason in the Galactic Senate.  Subpoena the Chancellor's robes to scan them for Dark-Side auras.  Judas H Jedi, you just don't march in with a light saber and decapitate the elected head of the freakin' government.

Yet Mace storms in to the Chancellor's office, with the Huttzpah to claim he's putting him under arrest.  He knows full well that he doesn't have the legal authority to do so, and knows full well that the Chancellor will call his bluff.  Given reason to believe that Palpatine is a Sith, and noting that only a fool would think a Sith Lord would surrender alive, Mace's claim that he was there to "arrest" the Chancellor is just another patent Jedi lie.  Mace was there to kill the Chancellor, and brought three Jedi goons along to get medieval on his ass.

Did he go before a judge to get an arrest warrant?  No.  Did he call any Senators and give them a heads up?  No.  Did he confer with any lawyers versed in Republic law?  No.  Did he engage in consultations about the Constitutional ramifications of a Jedi coup d'Etat?  No.  Did he seek, much less get, permission from the Jedi Council, as morally worthless as that permission would be?  Nope.  Did he even bother to inform the rest of the Jedi Council that the person who led the vote to field all those Storm Troopers happens to be a Dark Lord of the Sith?  Not a chance.  Does he even think more than five minutes ahead? You tell me.  Like a typical Jedi, Master Windu thinks he can just run amok killing whomever he pleases like some two-credit vigilante assassin.  It's the Jedi way.

Master Windu didn't give any of the legal options a second's thought, because Master Windu didn't give a damn about legalities.  He took it upon himself to arrest, nay assassinate, the Supreme Chancellor of a democracy.  Just who the fuck does he think he is?  Obviously, Master Windu is an arrogant, bigoted, member of the self-anointed warrior class, one who doesn't give a flying mynock about what little shards of democracy they had left.  Even vile Brutus conferred with a multitude of other senators before slaying Julius Caesar, but Mace didn't even trifle with that.  If served with cold justice, he wouldn't have suffered dismemberment and defenestration; he'd have been tortured, drawn, and quartered, just like Guy Fawkes after the failed gunpowder plot. 

Hell, the Chancellor should send a squad of storm troopers to find Windu's body, joyously splattered all over the pavement, and have them peel him up with a vibro-spatula™ so they can toss him out the window again, being sure to make a holo of the head-bursting impact.  Master Windu was a traitorous assassin, a vile asp loosed upon an unsuspecting democracy in time of peril.  Anakin was right to hack off Mace's arm the very instant Mace moved to strike down Palpatine, citing the patent illegality and immorality of it, but it's too bad he couldn't hack off Mace's ego.  Killing that took a close encounter of the paved kind.

Now what kind of man would Anakin be if he allowed, by action or inaction, this dreadful assassination plot to succeed?  What could he say but, "I didn't stab poor Caesar, I just stood by and rubber-necked."  A man has to be able to face himself in the mirror every morning (unless he has a spankin' cool helmet), and to just stand there idly watching Oswald pull the trigger doesn't cut it.  As I said, who cares if the President is Catholic, Sith, or married to Hillary?  You can't override the will of the people, tossing aside all legal and governmental structures and mechanisms, to opt for a light saber in service to a vendetta.

When Anakin arrived, Mace should've ingored Anakin, lowered his saber, and arrested the Emperor, relying on his lines from Pulp Fiction.

Normally, both your asses would be dead as fucking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this shit while I'm in a transitional period so I don't wanna kill you, I wanna help you. But I can't give you this case, it don't belong to me. Besides, I've already been through too much shit this morning over this case to hand it over to your dumb ass.

But Master Windu couldn't say that, because those would be the only lines from the movie that we'd remember.  That lines written for an honest-to-goodness assassin seem too profound and introspective to be spoken by a Jedi should tell you something.  In fact, random assassin dialog from Pulp Fiction rings truer and deeper then the Jedi lies and spin Lucas feeds us.  For example.

The path of the righteous Jedi is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of the Sith.  Blessed is he who, in the name of the Force, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness.  For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.  And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.  And you will know I am a Jedi when I lay my vengeance upon you.

I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you shoved a light saber up his ass.  But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice.  Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man.  And I'm the righteous man.  And Mr. Light Saber here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness.  Or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the Chancellor that's evil and selfish.  I'd like that.  But that shit ain't the truth.  The truth is you're the chosen one, and I'm the tyranny of evil men.  But I'm tryin', Anakin.  I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

Now that would've added some depth, some honesty to the dialog, but unfortunately honesty and depth are in short supply when the script is written by Jedi apologists, shills, and water carriers.  How do you know when Lucas is lying to you?  Jedi speak with wooden tongue.

Master Kenobi:

Obi-wan.  What a piece of human filth is Obi-wan.  What a worthless excuse for a friend.  What a pathetic loser.  What a backstabbing bitch.  No wonder he let Darth Vader strike him down.  He was a feckless Jedi who knew he could just check out, pull a "beam me up Scotty," and ascend to a higher plane where he didn't need a pair of artificial hips, a new set of dentures, and a pair of real balls.  Faced with the greatest test imaginable, he faked a tummy strike and ejected from this mortal world.  What a real Little Leager.  On the bright side, he voluntarily reduced the Jedi population by 50%, surely making his action second only to Palpatine and Vader's in the pantheon of Sith victories.

Let me list the universe of reasons that Kenobi is a pathetic pustule on the ass of the galaxy.

He held Anakin back for too long, failing him in his training, which cost Anakin an arm.

To protect Senator Amidala he, along with Yoda, had Anakin marooned on Naboo, covering for their own incompetence, and this cost Anakin his mother.

During the Clone Wars Anakin had to save his wretched life countless times.  So how did he repay these accumulating life debts?  By destroying Anakin's life.

First, Obi-wan fed Anakin's great love and the mother of his children, Padmé Amidala (Spank-me Love-doll?), scandalous innuendo.  From this she never recovered, even though Anakin only acted out of his profound love for her.

Then Obi-wan plants more worries in her head, conning her into flying off to Anakin.  Of course, Obi-wan then slips on board her ship to continue his back stabbing treachery, because breaking up the world's most loving couple just isn't enough.

So Obi-wan lets the beautiful and very pregnant Senator fly to the enemy's home base in the middle of a WAR on a ship that just screams, "I'm the Nabooian Queen who wrecked your plans time and time again – the one you tried to hold hostage – the one you tried to assassinate on at least three occasions."

The ship lands and Master Kenobi just allows her waddle right out onto the tarmac of the ENEMY BASE without any clever disguise, body-double, or even a good blaster.  That's friendship for you.  She's just another disposable pawn for the Jedi to sacrifice.

So Obi-wan lets Padmé, heavily pregnant Padmé, stand out there, sucking down volcanic carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, sulfur dioxide, NOx compounds, chlorine compounds, and heavy metals like a chain smoker in a burning tobacco warehouse.  Is it any wonder the med droids were stumped?  They probably assumed she'd been breathing, you know, air.

Then the breathless back stabbing fuckweasel lets Padmé confront Anakin with all the ridiculous claims he's spoonfed her, I suppose just curious to see if Anakin would strike her dead.  When that subterfuge failed, he marches out to murder his "friend", already having pretty much ensured the death of his "friend's" wife.  This on the planet where Anakin had just minutes before single-handedly ended the Clone War, the great war of Jedi survival, for which Obi-wan didn't even offer a simple "Thanks".  That's Jedi gratitude for you.

Oh-be-damned then spends more time trying to kill Anakin in a long running light saber duel than he'd spent contemplating whether he should set out to kill his closest friend, his apprentice, his padawan – a decision he reached faster than most people take to decide between waffle fries or tater tots.  That's Jedi loyalty for you.

But oh no, Obi-wan wasn't done yet, not by a long shot, the contemptible Master had not yet begun to connive, to screw over, to damn.  Teasing Anakin into a very risky move, he slices off Anakin's remaining human arm and both legs, sending the blood-spurting torso tumbling downslope toward the lava.  Does Obi-wan do anything?  Anything at all?  Why yes, he lectures, even as Anakin catches on fire from the tremendous heat of the lava. Useless-one just watches his former padawan slowly burn, screaming and pawing with his one robotic arm, his face and body in flames.  His best friend the day before, suddenly he wouldn't piss on Anakin if he were on fire.  That's Jedi loyalty.  That's Jedi friendship.  That's Jedi caring.  That's Jedi mercy.  In that fire, Anakin suffered more than all the people of Alderaan put together.

Not deigning to grant Anakin a warrior's death, nor even human mercy, Obi-wan just turns and walks away, his Jedi schemes and treachery not yet complete.  He's got to make off with Anakin's wife and unborn children, the lowest form of villainy imaginable - and he does so, spiriting away to the predictably pathetic maternity care available on Alderaan.  Medical droids?  What the fuck would they know about pregnancy?  The cute little robot said, "She's just lost the will to live."  Well hell, then give her a Percocet, a Paxil, and slap her on the ass, cause yet another pregnant woman is depressed.  No wonder Bail Organa's wife is childless.  She'd probably poked her head into an Alderaan maternity ward and then immediately flew to Coruscant for a hysterectomy. 

Maybe Padmé's lungs were fried, her bloodstream beset with a witch's brew of inorganic compounds, or is it more likely that Master Yoda, suspiciously close at hand, was using his unnatural powers to solve a problem confronting his almighty Jedi Order?  He sure didn't have a problem with keeping the babies without the consent of either parent now, did he?  His new primary funding source got first pick, as money, power, and influence are always in strange agreement with Jedi decisions.  So Senator Organa opted for the girl, raising her as a princess, filling her head with more Jedi lies, using her as a mule to run weapons and intelligence.  The other of Anakin's precious children was dumped in the desert.  I guess Master Yoda couldn't find a buyer.  Watto must have retired to Corellia.

Look at what these two Jedi masters did.  Face it.  Stare at it long and hard.  Masters of deceit and treachery they are.  They dismembered, disfigured, and burned Anakin.  They brought agonizing death to Anakin's beloved.  They stole his babies.  In what court, what jurisdiction, can a pair of traitorous religious fanatics, ones who had just tried to decapitate the government, snatch up babies and pass them out to whomever they please, just because it suits their twisted purposes?  Hell, Janet Reno would have them burned them alive.  (Then again Janet Reno would've sent Luke to Cuba.)  "It's better for the kids," you say?  One was tortured by her father, saw the planet where she grew up (in ignorance thanks to Yoda) destroyed in front of her eyes, before she fell into the arms of a drug-running scumlord.  The other grew up in abject poverty, saw his family's burning corpses, and had his armed hacked off by that same father.  Isn't it great how Jedi plans work out?  Just so long as it serves the Jedi, just so long as we can all go to the theatre and cheer.

They all would've grown up as an intact and stable family, Padmé saved by the Dark Side powers of the duly elected Chancellor of the Republic, her children safe and protected, knowing the constant hugs of two very intact, powerful, and loving parents.  The importance of such things don't fit into Jedi plans, since Jedi aren't allowed to have families.  The only thing Jedi know about kids are how to snatch up promising youth for brain-washing as expendable pawns, their oozing baby fat the grease that keeps the Republic running in circles, keeps the graft flowing, keeps the Jedi in power.  If snatching Luke and Leia and brainwashing them represents Jedi wisdom, then the wisest man on our own planet is the child-snatching Kim Il-Sung, the all-seeing all-knowing leader of North Korea.  You can tell he's a proto-Jedi just by looking at his hair.

You may think this doesn't affect you, that it's histrionic Sith bullshit.  But every time some schmuck from Child Abductive Services pops in his favorite Star Wars DVD they're given a new impetus to go steal some more children.  Subconsciously these abductive swine are spiriting Luke and Leia away from the evil emperor and Darth Vader, acting like Yoda, like Kenobi, like Kim, like a Jedi, like a Nazi, stealing a pair of twins from their father because they don't agree with his politics.

The Jedi and their ways must be stopped, and Anakin was more than right when he told Kenobi "From my perspective the Jedi are evil."  They're evil from our perspective, too: child snatching vermin, traitorous assassins, knee-jerk religious fanatics.  Their time must end.

Anakin Skywalker:

The Jedi Council never trusted Anakin, because when he arrived he was a fantastically bright boy who had already started thinking for himself.  Independent thought makes Jedi very nervous, because independent thought so often concludes that the Jedi should be eliminated.  Qui-Jon was headed down that path.  Yoda's apprentice Count Dooku followed it.  Anakin could sense it, too.  Sith know it from their toes to their bones. 

It horrifies me to see how people flock to the Jedi cause, adopt Jedi philosophy, all because of some cheesy movies with great musical scores.  If Stalin or Hitler had Lucas handling PR then we'd be enthralled with the righteousness of the Gestapo, the Stasi, the KGB.  You have to reach out with the Dark Side and trace your hands across the face of the evil that the Jedi support, that the Jedi are, and then you too can shatter your blinders and walk reborn, walk as Sith.  To those who recoil from this obvious truth I ask, "Do you really get your political philosophy from a bunch of liberal Hollywood movies and a pile of glitzy video games?"  Um, don't answer that.

Lucas takes the truth and twists it, using music and lighting to color your perceptions.  He's so skilled at it that he could make you want to marry a camel with one beautifully lit slow motion gallop scene.  Don't be fooled by Hollywood trickery.  Don't fall for Jedi lies.  Anakin didn't, being strong in the Force, the truth finally flowing through him, the lies and deception washed away, exposing the perfidity and treachery of the Jedi Council, of the Jedi.  Once you break through the smokescreen, spit out the Kool-Aid, it all slams into focus.  Anakin didn't "fall to the Dark Side"; he came to his fucking senses.

The Republic had to be broken.  The Jedi had to be stopped.  They all had to die, even the younglings.  Just as it was once said that it was too late for Anakin to start the training, it was also too late for the younglings to end the training.  They would one day become full Jedi and reinstate the pointless cycle, give rebirth to the failed system that only serves the corrupt and the powerful, or die in the attempt.  Each was already fated for death, whether by one of Yoda's many pointless missions, missions to maintain the status quo, or by the Empire's righteous hand.

Anakin knew this, his new perception of reality bringing him clarity of purpose, of resolve.  Each youngling wasn't a mere child but a violent killer, a light saber placed into their hands from the moment they could hold it.  Killers born to kill; killers spawned by midichlorians to kill; killers trained to kill.  Senator Bail Organa was witness to an escaping youngling hacking down a squad of mighty storm troopers, fortunately in the open where other brave troopers could end his fierce rampage, so just  imagine the danger if these tyrannical tots had gotten into the Coruscant air shafts, the sewers, killing anyone in their dread paths.  Anakin knew this fully, foresaw the danger, and thus he knew why they must die – quickly, efficiently, and brutally – the younglings must all die.

For this most necessary act, Obi-wan and then Padmé abandoned him, the serpent seducing Eve with the fruit of omission, with his well-polished Jedi lies.  Then the serpent tempted Eve to her death, spitting poisonous untruths about her Adam, finally finishing her off with the lie that her beloved Romeo was dead, before making off with her newborn children.  Yet on this world Obi-wan, the venomous vile serpent, is lauded as a heroic figure and paragon of virtue and righteousness.  I spit back at him, and revel in his well-deserved death at Vader's mightily aggrieved hand.

Vader is the pinnacle of duty and honor.  Intolerant of failure, sure footed in efficiently advancing toward the goals of more than just Galactic peace, but Galactic prosperity.  When Boba Fett delivered up Han Solo, Vader froze him in carbonite and delivered on his end of the bargain, despite the staggeringly greater advantage he could've had by screwing Fett and keeping Solo as a hostage, a pawn.  He did this because to a Sith binding promises are to be kept, quite unlike the situational ethics of the Jedi.  Obi-wan said that only the Sith deal in absolutes.  Well true, and much of what the Jedi do is absolutely wrong, absolutely evil, but the Jedi have sayings to excuse anything, even murder, treason, and assassination.

In Return of the Jedi Lucas made us believe that love pulled Vader from the Dark Side, yet as we see in Revenge of the Sith it was his unbounded love that drove him there.  His love for Padmé never burned stronger than when he'd gone fully to the Dark Side, because the Dark Side is love.  I'm surprised Lucas didn't leave that scene on the cutting room floor, because it's a crack in his vaunted universe.  It's the Jedi who are allowed no powerful love, no devotion, and no feelings for anything but maintaining the Jedi Order.  It's the Jedi who are heartless killers, plotters, assassins, kidnappers.  It's the Jedi who are vermin, the vile stench in the nostrils of G-d.

Immersed as you undoubtedly are in Jedi lies, you no doubt reflexively hate Vader for his hatred of the Jedi.  Yet I ask, what's not to hate, especially from his perspective?  What did the Jedi do for him?

Well, Qui-Gon Jinn freed him.  Strike that.  Qui-Gon only bet on him.  It was Anakin that put his very life on the line while the Jedi sat in the stands sipping mint juleps.  Having won the bet, they ripped him from his mother and flew him to Coruscant, where the whole council had fun berating and demeaning him.  Yet being Jedi, all that is good and light in the universe, and having an operating budget that could buy and sell whole star systems, they opted to leave his mom in chattel slavery. 

Wisely, Yoda knew that buying her freedom would leave them short of funds for repainting the lower-deck bathroom stalls on Star Destroyer number 1,384 in mothball orbit around the Nemodian moon in the Sucketh VII system.  It was cheaper by far to tell Anakin to forget about his mom.  But it all came out happily in the end, because although his mother was kidnapped, tortured, used as a fuck toy, and beaten to death by inhuman savages, he finally got the shifter on his speeder bike to quit sticking.  Under careful and warm Jedi tutelage, his life pretty much went downhill from there.  I'm sure Yoda told him to buck up and take it like a Jedi.

Face it.  Shocking and tragic as it is, compared to his wife's death, his mother died in overwhelming blissful peace and happiness.  I'm serious.  Padme died in living hell from emotional wounds, feeling bereft and alone because of Jedi lies and treachery, while Anakin's mother at least died smiling at the sight of him, basking in his love.  In between the two tragic events he was mistrusted, held back, insulted, disrespected, and used as cheap Jedi cannon fodder.  Afterward he just had the Jedi steal his kids, fill their heads with lies, turn the two against him, and all while the mindless Jedi minions, puppets, and tools continue to defame him to such an extent that his name is now synonymous with "absolute evil". 

I ask you, why shouldn't he harbor some anger?  If you tally up the sum of the dreadful deeds, the accepted Jedi lies and propaganda, what Lucas fed us makes no more sense than decrying Jews, Gypsys, and gays as absolutely evil for what they did to Hitler.  Yet put it to a good soundtrack, back it up with some clever lighting and cool props, and weak-minded fools in the movie theater nod their heads up and down and up and down like the spring-necked doggie on the dashboard.  Master Kenobi was ever so right about the weak minded.

Anakin was prophesied to restore balance to the Force.  He did.  The balance was Karmic.

[On to PART II].

May 27, 2005 in fluff | Permalink | Comments (14) | TrackBack

We Are Sith - Part II

The Sith are simply too majestic to fit into a single post, so I had to split it.  These things happen when you unleash the power of the Rant Side.  Even Moveable Type cannot contain our power!   Bwuhahaha!

Darth Vader:

Just compare Anakin's acts as a Jedi to his acts as Darth Vader.

As a Jedi, Anakin slaughtered Tusken men, women, and children; a whole village of them.  Lucas uses fancy music to imply this was an act of the Dark Side, and tries to confirm it with Yoda's babblings about fear.  If it truly was the Dark Side then why'd the Jedi welcome him back, since they react to any whiff of the Dark Side like a Pentecostal  glimpsing a Satanic tattoo on a fat whore's cellulite ass?  The very next day Anakin breaks in to a factory and starts cutting down Geonosian workers left and right, proud union men (or whatever they are), like an aristocratic warrior-caste killer who thinks it's his divine right to rule over the workers with the lash and the sword.  For this, he was applauded by Yoda, who showed up with an army of clones to wipe out the rest of those buzzing, petulant workers.  In between episodes II and III Anakin was apparently a shitstorm of death and destruction.

Yet as Vader, Anakin merely ended the Jedi reign, decapitated the leadership of the separatist movement in about two minutes, ending a galactic WAR, and choked a squawking general.  Lucas makes us think he choked the general to death, but any doctor could tell you that to choke someone to death Vader would have to stand there and burn up five minutes of screen time.  You find you were once again misled now, weren't you?  Yes, as Darth Vader Anakin shot down a couple rebel fighters intent on the destruction of government property.  He was attacked by Luke Skywalker, who'd sought him out, and responded in self-defense, of course stopping himself to offer co-rule of the freakin' galaxy.  Really evil, eh? 

When the Emperor, in a drunken rage (power is better than whisky), was about to grievously injure Luke, Vader picked the Emperor up and tossed him down a shaft.  However, no jury in the galaxy could convict him, since half his parts were electro-mechanical and the Emperor was zapping him with Force lightning, inducing cyborg spasms.  That's right.  Taking in the entire Star Wars saga, you couldn't get a civilian grand jury to indict Darth Vader for assault.  Contrast that with the record of the Jedi and your beloved rebels.

Episode I:  Interference with the operation of a space of a vessel, attempted hijacking, destruction of property, flight to avoid arrest, gambling, attemped theft by deception, slave trafficking, breaking and entering, murder.

Episode II:  Wanton endangerment and wreckless driving (multiple counts), attempted carjacking, interference with the pilot of a vehicle, murder (innumerable counts - Tattoine), child murder (innumerable counts), murder (innumerable counts – Geonosis), destruction of property.

Episode III:  Conspiracy to commit high treason, attempted assassination of the Chancellor of the Republic, attempted murder, kidnapping (two counts), theft (droids), high treason, trafficking in stolen children.

Episode IV:  Treason, theft by unlawful taking, theft by deception, espionage, resisting arrest, flight to avoid prosecution, assault, breaking and entering, aiding and abetting a prison escape, aiding an escaped prisoner, vandalism, more resisting arrest, assault, murder of security officers in the performance of their duties, impersonating military personnel, destruction of government property, murder (innumerable counts).

Episode V:  Treason, flight to avoid prosecution, destruction of yet more government property, murder.

Episode VI: Treason, sedition, impersonating a deity, resisting arrest, incitement to riot, sabotage, destruction of government property, possession of weapons of mass destruction, murder (innumerable counts).

If the rebels sometimes had difficulty evacuating their bases, it's because they were bogged down with three Corellian freighters overloaded with the rebels' parsec-length rap sheets.  No wonder Kenobi dragged Luke into a den of scum and villainy.  To him it felt like home.

Darth Sidious:

Are your wittle feewings all upset because Darth Sideous was running both sides of the war?  Well whoop-dee-fucking-doo.  What more could you want than a leader who's clever enough to run both sides of a war?  That pretty much guarantees victory now, doesn't it?  Who were the combatants in this horrible war?  Clones versus robots.  Hell, even after General Grievous was defeated the Empire could've kept the fighting going as a Pay-Per-View cable show – scrolling, "No actual sentients were harmed in the making of this production."  Palpatine did this because he values life – even a soldier's life. 

He didn't send Republic youth to fight and die in the far-flung reaches of the galaxy like the Jedi were wont to do.  No, he sent clones instead.  Mind-programmed clones of a bounty hunter who lived for the rush of combat, of battle, of the brilliant clash of war.  One the other side he fielded droid armies.  How bloodless can you get?  It wasn't a war to bleed anyone white, it was a war to make the Republic face the reality of their weakness, their inherent flaws, while draining away the undercurrents of incipient separatism like puss.

Understand that the Clone Wars were going to happen whether Palpatine led either side or not.  It's not like some mere Count or Senator can get vast stretches of the galaxy, countless planetary systems, to engage in a long, bloody war of attrition if they didn't have immense grievances, grievances meriting war.  He didn't take advantage of these grievances to topple the Republic; he hammered them into a surgical instrument sufficient to redefine the Republic, to free it from the shackles of a medieval warrior religion, to cleanse it of disorder and corruption.  The separatist movement was pre-existing, inevitable.

But I must admit people have a problem with Emperor Palpatine, usually because of his looks.  They're the same people who chose Clinton over Dole because of Dole's eyebrows.  We call them "shallow".  Others have been sucked into thinking Palpatine was a racist, based on the dime novels pumped out by Lucas Lies, Inc.  Yep.  That must be why racist "Humans-Only" Palpatine had a Zabrak, Darth Maul, as his Dark apprentice.  No doubt they believe the far more believable lies about Bush's racism pumped out by scum like Michael Moore, despite Bush's appointments of Condi Rice and Colin Powell. 

You have to examine the evidence with clear eyes, weigh it, and take care to know what can and can't be known.  For example, in Episode III Lucas has Palpatine urging Anakin to kill a defenseless prisoner, Count Dooku.  Kenobi was unconscious, his usual combat posture.  The other three there, the only witnesses to what really happened, all either were or became Sith.  There's simply no way Lucas could've been told what really happened, because the damnable Jedi who feed him this blatant propaganda couldn't know either.  Do you really think Anakin engaged in a running side-bar dialog while standing right in front of a Sith, one who's proven himself a match for Yoda at spitting forth Force lightning?  I don't think so either.  In truth, Count Dooku would've died a tenth of a second after Anakin saw an opening.

Yet these lies and character assassinations are all we can expect from the Jedi shills.  If Palpatine was so bad, why was everyone pining away for the Republic's glory days, days when it was under Palpatine's leadership?  If he was so evil, so wicked, how come the vaunted Jedi Order didn't have the slightest problem working with him hand-in-glove for a decade or more?  If he's so demonic, how did he so delight and entertain Senators at cocktail parties that they made him Chancellor?  Obviously, Palpatine is a man of warmth, of depth, of humor.  How else could he put up with all the baby kissing required of any Chancellor? 

Keep in mind that Coruscant was nothing like Berlin, if that's where your mind's naturally led on by Jedi propaganda (recall that Bush=Hitler, too!).  If anything, Coruscant was Animal House.  In fact, the Senate was such a useless frat party that certain planets sent hot teenage girls as Senators and frankly, no august body that would accept Teen Nabooian Tatas' Miss August as a voting member could be considered deliberative - titillating maybe, entertaining certainly, but not by a long shot deliberative.  Of course, when the Senate persisted as a drunken party after over a decade of functional rule, finally admitting Alderaan's Miss Bra-less Teen, is it any wonder the Emperor dissolved it?  It was less likely done as a power grab than as a drunk driving measure, and if you think Senators are bad on bridges, just imagine what happened when they were weaving in between skyscrapers in high-velocity flying cars.

The Separatist Alliance:

Let's look at some other reasons people hate the Sith, starting with the Separatist Alliance in the Clone Wars.

Look at who the key separatists were - the Corporate Alliance, the Commerce Guild, the Intergalactic Banking Clan, and the Techno Union.  Does that list sound a bit suspicious, oh proud capitalist American?  These would be considered "evil" separatists to someone born and raised in Berkeley, or more broadly in Marin County, which is exactly where Star Wars comes from.  Here's some of the slanted, socialist dreck Lucas tries to spin.

The Corporate Alliance is the negotiating body for many of the galaxy's largest commercial firms.  The Corporate Alliance sided with the Separatists with the promise of limitless profit under a new government.

Obviously, what the Old Republic allowed was limited profit, if any profit at all.

As the Magistrate of the Corporate Alliance, Argente became indelibly tainted by his wealth and private interests.

This comes from Lucas, a man whose private wealth and interests would boggle a Hutt.

The savvy businessbeing knows how to stay afloat in turbulent economic times, and how to spin social hardships into record revenue.  Scruples get traded for profits among the leading corporate bodies, and the Commerce Guild is no different. Presidente Shu Mai was present in the Geonosis conference room when Count Dooku proposed that his Confederacy of Independent Systems would be committed to capitalism and free trade.

Oh, hurt me plenty, the forces opposed to the Republic support capitalism and free trade.  It seems Count Dooku, Yoda's old padawan, must've had an encounter with a drifting economic space clue.  The Republic doesn't work because it uses a mix of socialism and medieval merchantilism instead of free market capitalism, which is why it's rife with blackmarkets, corruption, and influence peddling.

Many of the galaxy's most industrialized worlds are key members of the Techno Union. Factory planets like Fondor, Foundry, Mechis III, Telti, and Metalorn churn out cutting edge technology to a galaxy that has become increasingly reliant on innovations for day-to-day needs.

Respected corporations such as Baktoid Armor Workshop, Haor Chall Engineering, Republic Sienar Systems, Kuat Systems Engineering, TaggeCo, BlasTech Industries, and the Corellian Engineering Corporation are all signatories, to some degree, of the Techno Union.

"Respected corporations" oppose the Republic, as do many of the "most industrialized worlds."  It's a UN dominated by failed third world countries, with industrialized capitalist countries itching to get out, which would be rather dangerous for them with Jedi assassins running amok.

To protect its intellectual properties and technological assets, the Techno Union had been given alarming freedom to maintain its own droid security as protection.

To maintain his intellectual properties Lucas refused to release his trilogy on DVD until somebody invented sufficiently strong copy protections.  Hypocrisy is all you get from Lucas and the Jedi, making a fortune off capitalism and free trade so they can denounce capitalism and free trade.

Yes, the productive groups wanted to break from the dysfunctional Republic, and they would've succeeded, separating the galaxy into productive capitalist planets and backwater socialist Republic planets, had not Palpatine arranged for the production of clone armies – cloned by fiery-eyed capitalists, of course.  Yet still people despise Palpatine, despite his obvious patience, foresight, vision, and courage.  That's because Lucas gives us a very one-sided view of his actions, most famously the destruction of Alderaan, a joyous and well-deserved strike at the rebellion.

Now allow us to go over some of the other lies you've been fed, lies carefully crafted to turn you against the Empire, to hate it.  In each, Lucas has used every bit of his movie making magic to slant, distort, and obfuscate.

Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru:

In Episode VI: A New Hope, originally titled Star Wars and truthfully titled Sister Kisser Gets Lucky, we are horrified at the scene of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru's burning corpses.  Yet the way Lucas presents the storyline the planet is almost random, as if Leia's ship had been intercepted in route to Alderaan.  That she just happened to send R2D2 and C3PO, Darth Vader's very own droids, away in an unguided escape pod, and that by sheer, absolute coincidence the two droids' misadventures happened to land the plans to the Death Star in the traitorous hands of Obi-Wan Kenobi, exactly where Princess Leia was trying to send them.  Do you really buy that crap?

Question:  Ships can't be intercepted in hyperspace, so why did her ship drop out of hyperspace at Tatooine instead of flying directly to Alderaan?  Could it be that Tatooine was a locus of rebel support?  Do you really think that of all the planets in the Galaxy, she happened to get caught flying past that one?

Question:  Why jettison R2 and C3PO?  Could it be that she'd been told that if Vader sees them the whole traitorous plot would unravel?

Question:  Was it by sheer chance that the escape pod landed within walking distance of Owen and Beru Lars' farm?  Note that if Tatooine is the size of earth and walking distance is 30 miles then the odds against it were 278,606 to 1.

Question:  When C3PO saw the sandcrawler, he waved at it, knowing he was rescued.  Wouldn't this be because he was told to make contact with the Jawas?

Question:  The Jawas pick up both C3PO and R2D2, who'd gone in separate directions, in the middle of the freakin' desert.  A battalion of sand crawlers would take a week to find one lost child, so two robots in a couple hours?  Can you say "rebel homing beacons"?

Question:  The Jawas then immediately end up at the Lars' farm, as if Sand Crawlers sell droids door-to-door in the remote desert wastelands, as opposed to their droid dealership in Anchorhead.  Have you ever had a car-carrier show up at your farm, out of the blue, tyring to sell you a passel of Mercedes and Dodge Rams right off the trailer?  I thought not…

Question:  Owen and Beru Lars adopted a boy who, if his existence were known, would be the most wanted kid in the galaxy, one who appeared in the Emperor's visions.  So do you think the Lars' really didn't know this?  Do you really think they didn't have a plan in case of discovery, or that they went around unarmed, especially given all the Tuskens about?  Do you not in you heart know that Obi-wan told the Lars the same story that he told Luke, that the Emperor's dread apprentice had killed the son of their adoptive mother, the woman who helped to raise Owen, and that Luke was their adoptive mother's grandson, still wanted by the Empire?

Question:  Do you really think Obi-wan just retired?  Do you think a Jedi would stop the struggle against the Sith, that he was just sitting around fishing all week?  For G-d sakes, he's living in the middle of the desert.  There are no fish! He was there with a plan.  It was he who delivered Luke to the Lars, he who would've told the Jawas what to do.  He sat in the center of his own sticky web of lies, deception, and rebellion.

Back in 1977, you thought you bought a ticket to a space opera, but what Lucas sold you was a bright shining lie.  The Jawas knew exactly how to find the droids and where to deliver them, because they were a part of the rebellion.  The Lars' likewise knew what was up, and knew what to do if Imperial troops didn't buy their cover story.  You've seen both the troop of Jawas and the Lars'.  You know the violent extent that Cliegg Lars went to in search of Shmi Skywalker.  You know how desperate and violent Jawas often are.  You know Han shot Greedo as matter of principle, or lack thereof.  Search your feelings.  These are not peaceful, sentimental people.  They lived on the rough edge of the lawless wastelands, and they were ones to shoot first and ask questions later.  They knew the Empire might take an interest in them.  They all knew the risks.  They went up against Storm Troopers and they all paid with their lives.  Rough justice was on the menu, and rough justice was served.


Lucas made you want to hug an Ewok, didn't he?  So adorable, so cute, living such simple lives in harmony with nature.  Well as you should expect, that's all bullshit.  Lucas tries to delude you into thinking the Empire made war on the cute little Ewoks.  Not true.  The Empire had obviously been on Endor for years before the rebels showed up, otherwise the battle station built in orbit wouldn't have been fully functional. 

At the end of Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, at the big Ewok luau, the Ewoks use Imperial helmets as musical instruments.  Prior to that, when the rebels arrived, an Ewok showed complete puzzlement at Leia's helmet, unable to comprehend that it's just something worn on the head.  Obviously the Ewoks had no significant encounters with Imperial forces during the many benevolent years of Imperial occupation, or they'd already have known all about armor and helmets.  It becomes likewise obvious that the Empire had its equivalent of the Prime Directive.  "If they don't fuck with you, don't fuck with them."  The Empire left the Ewoks' rituals and belief systems intact because the Empire doesn't contaminate harmless primitive cultures.

Contrast that with the attitude of the rebels. 

Step 1 – Show the Ewoks what armor is. 

Step 2 – Have a droid convince them he's their god – able to strike them all down if they disappoint him. 

Step 3 – Completely supplant their religion and mythology with a new one, crafted to teach them about space war, portraying the Empire as the ultimate evil.

Step 4 – Convince the Ewoks to do something they've never done before – make war. 

Step 5 – Summon all the Ewoks in the forest and use them for blaster fodder.

Look at that battle rationally.  You have a couple hundred Imperial troops, possibly more, backed by heavy armor.  A Storm Trooper is armored and equiped with battlefield technology far in advance of our own modern forces.  In an open fight, faced with RPG's and AK-47's, our soldiers generally establish a 20 to 1 or even 50 to 1 kill ratio.  What would be a rational guess at their kill ratio against rock throwing teddy bears?  200 to 1?  1000 to 1?  And a Storm Trooper's?  There's no way the Ewoks weren't piled up in endless mounds after the Imperial forces unleashed on them, and since the Empire was defeated by the onslaught there must've been vast, endless waves of advancing Ewok hordes.  The slaughter was almost certainly bad enough to send ripples through the force, distracting Luke, Vader, and the Emperor. 

Emperor: "I sense a disturbance in the force." 
Luke: "Like tens of thousands of exploding koala bears?"
Vader: "That's it.  That's it exactly…"
Luke: "Why would Imperial troops want to slaughter koalas?"

Yet what did Lucas show us?  He gave us glimpses of a few dead Ewoks, set to tear jerking music, to give the temporary rebel setback a sad mood.  *sniffle*  Yes, he cleverly made you think only a few Ewoks died, but simple math says that's ridiculous.  That's the Jedi for you, using everyone else as expendable pawns, in this case treating an indigenous culture like literal spear-carriers, while washing away the bloodstains in their Hollywood spin cycle.


Given our recent prisoner abuse scandals, let's just compare the two sides.  You'll note that in Episode IV, Leia was captured along with her crew.  We saw a stun gun – handcuffs, and spacious well-lit single-rooms.  For someone who'd been "tortured" she sure stayed cute, spunky, and spotless.  Her interrogation was by a freakin' useless toy mind probe that made ditsy whoop-whoop noises.  Hey, maybe they put Moff Tarkin's boxer shorts on Leia's head at some point, but reach out as I can, I just don't sense the evil.  "But oh", you say, "Moff Tarkin was going to have her summarily executed!"  Yeah, right.  He went to all the trouble of showing her his new super weapon just so she wouldn't tell anyone, especially all those rebels he wanted to intimidate with it after his escape plans for her succeeded.  Don't you feel a bit foolish now, oh useful Jedi tool?

In Episode V almost everyone got captured and put in a holding cell to play backgammon while Han was carefully placed in carbonite for shipment to his creditors.  In Episode VI the rebel assault team faked its own capture by those dreaded Imperial Stormtroopers by walking right up to the base with their hands in the air.  This was shortly after Luke had just waltzed right in and surrendered, whereupon he was handcuffed, reunited with his father, profusely complimented, and taken to the best view in the Galaxy, the seat of Imperial Power.  We might as well call the second Death Star SuperFantasticJobs.com the way everyone was throwing competing "We'll rule the Galaxy!" offers at him.  Yep, I'm just quaking in rage at the Imperial mistreatement of prisoners, and I'm not even going to discuss the naked girls in the Jabba do Ghraib scandal.

Skipping through the prequels, Episode I saw Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan briefly captured with no harm done.  Episode II saw Obi-Wan captured by Count Dooku, suspended, and forced to listen to high-level intelligence in what must be the world's first reverse interrogation technique.  Then he, Anakin, and Padmé got to have a blast entertaining the crowds while waiting for the cavalry to arrive.  Episode III saw the Chancellor captured by forces under his own control, strangely enough, and once again we see the "give the prisoner the BEST seat in the house" concept featured in Episode VI.

Contrast this with the way the Jedi take prisoners.  Note that the Jedi don't carry handcuffs because for some strange reason nobody they arrest ends up having any hands.  Can you name a single person captured by the Jedi who managed to stay alive in their custody for more than, oh, three minutes?  The head of the Trade Federation at the end of Episode I?  Nope, he was captured by Miss Nabooian August while the Jedi were tied up with Darth Maul.  Darth Maul died, of course.  Episode II?  Zero, zip, nada, though the shape-shifter got pretty close to three minutes.  Episode III?  Mace Windu was getting close to the three-minute mark before playing executioner, but he couldn't quite make it.  Prisoners just aren't the Jedi way.  Now maybe you claim that the Jedi's enemies always fight to the death.  Let's see you try that line in the rational world, say in front of a grand jury investigating why this Galactic PD apparently hasn't had a single perp survive arrest in the past thirty years.  Yeah, who needs to carry handcuffs when you've got a light saber, a whacko religion, and a license to kill?

So why do you have the very strong impression that being captured by the Empire is a death sentence, while being captured by the Jedi conjurs up the word "rescue"?  Why does this impression stubbornly remain despite of all evidence to the contrary?  Because of nothing more than Jedi lies backed by John Williams' clever soundtracks.  That's it.  Get captured by the Empire and he plays a funeral dirge as you're lead off to your luxury suite.  Get captured by the Jedi and he plays an upbeat heroic love theme while they bounce your head off the ceiling and slice you from crotch to neck.  What was it Obi-wan said about the Force's influence on the weak minded?  Now maybe you understand, though it may feel unnatural, as I said.


Show me a man who has a problem with killing worthless fuckweasels and I'll show you a man who has a problem killing worthless fuckweasels, one who's fuckweasely challenged.  To kill fuckweasels you need a spine a bit less limber than a weasel's, a spine some might call straight, one that others might call stiff.  If you can lick your own balls then your spine is much too limber for the elimination of fuckweasels, and you might as well immerse yourself in licking because there'll be no end to demands for it.

The same people who cry Light-Side tears over poor Alderaan are the same ones who blast George Bush for not pounding Tora Bora into gravel, thus letting Bin Laden escape.  Look at the Empire's many engagements with the rebels, where despite occupying the orbital high-ground rebel ships and rebel leaders still slipped through the gaps, freed to carry on their seditious libels and terrorist attacks, spreading throughout systems like a cancer.  The inhabitants of the planets had to contend with the onslaught of Imperial forces and occupation, while the ringleaders fled like cowards.  Well, just hit a rebel planet so hard that the self-important aristocrats get snuffed out just like all their spear-carrying underlings.  That'll make them think twice about their self-serving getaway plans, and think twice about conning innocent people into serving as unwitting pawns in their quest for the re-institution of Republic political and economic failure, failure backed by the force of Jedi jihadism.

If you've been calling for turning the Middle Eastern deserts into glass, striking down your co-religionists, heirs to the great monotheistic pantheon, how would you react to beings that are truly alien, truly backwards, truly powerful, and truly reprehensible?  Well if they insist on murdering members of the Empire, despite continued warnings, then why not just blow up their pathetic little planets and be done with them.  Just like Bin Laden, the rebels want to wage total war and then bitch when it's waged against them in turn.

"No! Alderaan is peaceful. We have no weapons. You can't possibly..." you say?  Bullshit.  Alderaan was a planet that was funding the rebellion, through Bail Organa's many connections, through his Senate seat, through his control of Alderaan's industry, and his ties to Master Yoda and Master Kenobi.  It was the very planet where Leia was trying to deliver the plans to the Death Star.  No rebels on Alderaan, eh?  "No! Alderaan is peaceful. We have no weapons".  This was from the same Princess who was just captured on an Alderaanian ship while fighting a protracted and bloody boarding action against an Imperial Star Destroyer.  The Senator from the very planet that helped Kenobi and Yoda make off with Anakin's children, the same Leia Organa who had just lied about the location of the rebel base, who lied about just everything.  Even if they peeled away her intentional lies, all they'd find were the lies the rebels and Jedi had spoonfed her since birth.

I suppose you think that the Death Star arrived at Alderaan by accident - yes, the exact planet where the twins had been taken, and the exact planet where the rebel's funder-in-chief happened to be in power.  I suppose you think that it's just a coincidence that after the action at Alderaan, the rebellion was on the ropes at Yavin 4 and Hoth.  Grand Moff Tarkin said "In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that is to be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power on your home planet of Alderaan."  I hope you weren't as gullible as Leia was.  He didn't burn a planet's worth of fuel and move the bulk of Imperial firepower to Alderan just because he was irritated with an intransigent young girl.  He was at Alderaan with the Death Star because they already knew how best to cut the rebels funding and support.  Eliminating Alderaan was like taking out Afghanistan, a country not specifically a rebel base, but one providing a haven, support, logistics, and cash to terrorist vermin.  Bin Laden escaped from Tora Bora, but nobody would escaped from Alderaan, or any other planet that continued with Treason.

It's just too bad the Death Star wasn't ready during the Clone Wars, or Count Dooku could've used one strike at Geonosis to wipe out all the Jedi, that plague of locusts who were ironically cut to ribbons on a planet run by giant locusts.  Yet again, some escaped to continue their evil perfidity, to perpetuate the lies and deceit that mark their Order.  They claim Sith lie, yet on Geonosis didn't Count Dooku tell Obi-wan flat out that a Sith was controlling the Republic?  Obi-wan refused to believe him because, get this, he thought Sith lie!  Bwuhahahah!  No wonder Darth Sideous found Jedi so amusing.  They are - amusingly blind, amusingly stupid, amusingly predictable – like socialist filth from Democratic Underground.

Yet the most amazing thing about the Empire is their compassion, because despite all this they still didn't destroy Alderaan. How do I know this? Was it a tip from a Bothan spy net? No, by simple logic - a trait lost on the straight-jacketed Jedi mind, who after all, have lost whole planets before. Aderaan's mass wasn't much different than Earths, and the Earth's mass is a Trillion times larger than the mass of Saturn's ring. When a planet is vaporized it doesn't just disappear like it was hit with a Star Trek phaser, it literally turns to molten rock fragments and vapor. It returns to the condition it was in before it was a planet, a vast and massive swirl of nebular material that would almost immediately start condensing into a new planet. The ways of the force may be mysterious, but gravity, dynamics, and gas laws are not. When the Millenium Falcon jumped in they didn't find a nebula, they didn't find anything. Sure, they encountered a few asteroids, but asteroids are a common feature of a solar system. What kind of childish mind would assume that a planet is just "gone"? A drunk, a monkey, a farm boy, and a Jedi. And this even as they road in a Corellian freighter whose sole purpose was to push large cargo barges through hyperspace, which is what that odd looking front was for.

Now ask yourself, why would something called the Trade Federation spend decades designing a giant space cruiser? Given the design time, long predating the Clone Wars, and given that Palpatine himself had no knowledge of it prior to Geonosis, it's obviously not a Sith weapon or even a weapon of war. It must've been, and was, designed as the ultimate tool of trade, one whose staggering, almost unimaginable design and construction costs were expected to be offset by its clear benefit to trade. And what would be the ultimate cost reduction on trade throughout the galaxy? A literal shrinking of the shipping distances, something only made possible by a ship that could move whole planets, pushing outliers back in with the core systems. For this you need a ship of heretofore unimagined size with an incredibly powerful tractor beam. Indeed, you'd need a ship so large that its own mass forces is the design into a spherical shape. Only such a ship could push planets past lightspeed, and rest assured, the Death Star does move that fast, otherwise the trip to Alderaan would've taken 20,000 years.

Well, the Empire found that the Death Star's engines could also power very powerful weapon systems, so these were added, making the entire package the tool for ultimate control of the Galaxy, by not by destroying planets, by being able to reshape the map of where those planets were located. During the Clone Wars all the problems occured with the outlying systems, the ones beyond the reach of law and order. With the Death Star those planets could be brought into the core of the Empire where they'd be safe and protected - and watched. Alderaan was the first of many planets slated for transport to the core, and the Death Star returned for the moons so as not to upset the rhythms of the planet's wildlife. After all, the Force is all about life. If this operation allowed them to play a little prank on a seditious school-girl, so much the better.

Maybe you want to argue that the Death Star really destroyed Alderaan because you saw it. Hey, you saw a movie about it to. Does that make the movie real? Don't you think the Empire has flat panel display technology, or do you really believe that the Empire is somehow less sophisticated than Hooter's? But then, maybe you also think that the General, sitting in the most secure part of the Death Star, had a window office - a window that looked out horizontally - where all you could see was a planet - which blew up without leaving a debris field a hundred AU in diameter - all to impress a bubble-headed girl.

All I ask is that you use the mind that G-d gave you to perceive the truth, to use your feelings to divine whether a responsible Empire would destroy a planet, or even whether an irresponsible Empire would destroy a planet's resources and capital in a profligate waste of truly galactic proportions. Alderaan wasn't destoyed, it disappeared, and as any good magician will tell you, nothing actually disappears, it's just moved somewhere else. Don't fall for the histrionic Jedi propaganda.

Some sci-fi fans love Arnold Schwarzenegger in Paul Verhoeven's "Total Recall", especially for its thickly layered mind fucks.  Well that's nothing compared to what Lucas pulled off.  Lucas likely tricked you into choosing the side of absolute evil, and you didn't even realize it.

So now tell us, LCs, which side do you choose?

Do you choose to worship at the altar of a murderous cult that has no respect for law and order, taking it into their own murderous hands and acting as they see fit whenever they see their precious ideology threatened?

Do you choose a path followed by cold, indifferent fanatics who have no place for love, indeed they forbid it to their followers, who value friendship about as much as they value a TV dinner, soon to be consumed and passed with their next bowel movement, who know nothing of loyalty if said loyalty might in the least get in the way of their “lofty” goals of controlling every single sentient in the Galaxy, who have no qualms about destroying a loving family, grabbing their children as spoils to be passed on to whomever they see fit?

Do you choose a side whose every move is designed to keep the Galaxy bogged down in an endless quagmire of petty conflicts and feudal rivalries, in order that they may reign supreme, pulling the strings from the shadows and keeping entire planetary systems bogged down in a medieval Hell so that none may ever arise to challenge their power?

Or do you choose freedom?

We know not what you are, and only you yourselves can find the path you will follow.

But we know what we are.

We Are Sith.

May 27, 2005 in fluff | Permalink | Comments (24) | TrackBack