BSG - Act I

I've been writing a Shakespearean Battlestar Galactica spoof, for something to do, and need a place to post the first parts. Act I and II set up the action, and I'm still working on III and IV.

The Cloud Nine Reloadeth

Act I

PROLOGUE

Enter Chorus

Chorus
O for visual effects that would
Display the twirling motions of combat,
A starfield for a stage, Vipers to fly,
And Cylon Raiders to complete the tight
And fiery scene! Then warlike Starbuck would
Ascend her cockpit, launch, and on her tail
Pursuing Raiders jockey for the kill
Till she spins round, her cannons' breathing death.
But lacking technical ability,
And pardon us for that, the poor props
For our display will show thee only chairs.
'Tis an unworthy format to bring forth
So great an object: can this limited
Hall hold the empty void of space? or may
We cram within this wooden Globe the ships
That did bring light to darkness round the fleet?
O, pardon! since a thousand words may not
Convey the merest moment of a vid,
You must envision with your mind at home
Events described by spoken words alone.

Thus with imagined wing our swift scene flies
In motion of no less celerity
Than that of thought. Suppose that you have seen
The well regarded leader there
At Ragnar Anchorage embark his post,
On hands and features Cylon blood afresh;
And meeting there his brave new fleet of ships
Whose presence the nebula doth there enfold.
Play with thy fancies, and in them behold
Inside the packed civs passengers a-swarm
Across the seats to find a view afresh
Of gaseous tendrils, glowing solar storms.
Hear, shrill intercom doth order give
To sounds confused; behold the mammoth ships,
Propelled against the brush of streaming winds.
Huge hulking hulls amid furrow'd crevasse
Now breasting out the mouth: O, do but think
You stare upon the vantage and behold
Our vast armada in the inconstant
Tendrils dancing; sailing under threat
From Base Stars and the Cylon Raiders launched.
For so appears this fleet majestical,
On course from Ragnar, then the jump away.
For dread reflexive foe doth then pursue,
Jump for jump, implacable in aim,
And so the pair of foes make on their way,
One running 'fore, and one locked in the wake.
When prey is lost, hard Cylons fail the day,
Will fate or chance or luck then cross new path
Galactica's gosslings here and again.

Follow, follow: Seize your minds around
The leadership of this ill fated force
And leave the Colonies, now still and dead,
Bombarded from orbit, babes and women,
Have not survived to see this ragged fleet.
For who is he whose heart is not enrich'd
By this shocked band of refugees from death.
Who is he that will not each sennight trail,
These cull'd and fate-drawn wagoneers to Earth?
Work, work your thoughts, and therein see a siege;
Behold the ordnance on ships underslung,
With fatal seekers set to lock the herds
Of hopeful humans trying but to live.
They rendezvoused with warship Pegasus
And with her help struck hard blows 'gainst Cylons,
But murdered was her harsh commander Caine,
Done in by Cylon treachery and plot.
Caine's hard XO condemned by greed to die
By crime lord's hand, and his replacement, too,
Did meet an early death. Three up, three down,
And now Adama's own son doth command
A battlestar in their formation, bound
Forever hence to sail the comet swept
Expanse of space, yet still so far from Earth.

Suppose Cylons from the void appear;
Lay siege to Cloud Nine and take it hostage.
Tells them Adama their god-head bid him
Safety from their onslaught, if he but yield,
Give up to them a ship of daughters fair;
Some pretty, fecund, hand picked youthful ones.
The offer likes not: and brave Adama
With hard lock now his devilish cannon aims.

Alarum, and chambers go off

And up float all before him. Still be kind,
And eke out our performance with your mind.

Exit

SCENE I. Pilots' Ready Room on Pegasus.

Alarum. Enter Commander LEE "APOLLO" ADAMA

Apollo.
Once more to pursuit, dread Vipers, once more;
Smother their attack with our cannon's lead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a pilot
As studied caution and efficiency:
But when the wings a-war shriek at our fleet,
Then imitate the action of the falcon;
Congeal the grip, pump up the blood,
Abandon smooth inputs for hard-bank'd rage;
Then trim thine eye to a razor bead and
Let fly thy cannons' steely lead
Like the hard pounding of our defense guns;
Let the deadly shells tear through them easily
As a hunter's blast rips through the muscles
Of a rocketing pheasant, sending blood
And feathers sprayed, the bird somersaulting
Lifeless through the air to blood the ground,
Still'd by lethal shot loosed upon his fate.
Now set the jaw and flare the nostrils wide,
Hold hard the breath and tauten sinew's grip
To keep your hot blood pumped into the head.
On, on, you noblest of Colonials.
With lethal skills learned at your fathers' hands!
Fathers that, like so many pilots who
Have from this ship from morn till evening fought
And recovered all their fighters aboard
For lack of surviving opposition:
Dishonor them not, nor the crew you serve,
Those who toil to keep you perched in cockpit.
Be copies now to men of older blood,
Master their lessons and their famous deeds,
And by your brilliant example rewrite
The very primer on the art of war.
So good pilots, you rough Colonials,
Show us now the metal of your arms;
And prove anon the worth of cruelest guides,
Which I doubt not; as you have lived thus far,
For there is none of you so young and green,
That hath not lethal combat in your eyes.
I see you stand like Vipers in the slips,
Straining at the start. Raiders are a-wing:
Unleash your spirit, and against this wave
Cry 'Freedom! Death to the flying toasters!'

Exit. Alarums.

SCENE II. The Space near the Fleet

Enter Captain Taylor, KNUCKLES, SCREWBALL, and HOTDOG.

Taylor.
On, on, on, on, on! Take out the leader,
Take out the leader!
Knuckles.
Prithee, captain, lag back: the incoming is too hot;
And, for mine own part, I have not a case of lives:
Nor a stable of trim ships. The taste of it is too hot,
That is the very plain-song of it.
Screwball.
The plain-song is best heeded: for Raiders
Do swarm as thick as bees around a hive.
Shots go and come; while the Galactica's
Pilots burn and die;
Yet a hot stick with cannons,
In these fiery skies,
Doth bring immortal fame.
Hotdog.
Would I were home in Caprica City!
I would give all my fame and rank for a
Mug of ambrosia and trifling boredom.
Screwball
And I:
If wishes would prevail with me,
This intercept should not fail with me,
But from this hairball would I shy.
Hotdog.
Duly noted, but truly spoke,
Like a record that is broke.

Enter CAPTAIN KARA "STARBUCK" THRACE

Starbuck.
Intercept the Cylon squadrons, you dogs!
Throttle up, you laggards!
Screwball
Be merciful, captain, to pilots of
Old as opposed to bold, who would not mind
Much growing old. Abate thy zealous rage.
Abate thy rage, good Captain! Good ballcock,
Bate thy rage; use lenience, sweet Buck!
Knuckles.
This be her good humor! Retard your idle
Throttle yet further to win her bad humor.
Petty Officer Dualla. (Dee) (filtered)
All fighters, return to Galactica.
Fleet, prepare to jump.
Screwball
Order acknowledged, and it we're heeding,
Toward homeward regretfully heading.
'Nother hour well spent, 'nother victory
Chalked up to heroics and mastery,
'Tis no mystery. We're simply the best.
Dee. (filtered)
Cut the chatter. Your talk is thick as flak.
Screwball
Roger that, returning home, our throttles
Still stay'd hard gainst the firewall.

Exeunt all but Hotdog.

Hotdog.
As green as I am, I have observed these
Two nefarious strip-club wing flashers.
I am junior to them both: but though they
Would teach me, ne'er could be mentor to me;
Indeed, A wing of such clowns could not sum
To one whole warrior. As for Screwball,
He talks a good fight and never lands short,
Nor short on ammo; by the means whereof
He boasts today, avoids all risks, and so doth
He always see to boast another day.
For Knuckles, He be lily-livered and
Red-faced; by the means whereof
He dishes it out, but he fights not fair,
His bad words are matched with as few good deeds;
For he'd risk any man's head but his own,
Lest was against the deck when he was drunk.
They will steal anything and declare it
Extra-procedural requisition.
Screwball ventured into the civy fleet,
Barked about our ship's priority needs,
Seized him thus up a nice video rig,
Flew it back in secret to Pegasus,
And sold it to late Commander Fisk for
Two-hundred fifty-five cubits profit.
My two friends are sworn partners in filching.
On Cloud Nine they stole a bar's mini-fridge:
I knew with that hot piece in service the
Thirsty pilots would all chill their cold ales.
The two would have me as familiar with
Ship's dockets as their palms or footlockers:
Which eats much into my pride in uniform.
If I should take from another's hock to
Put into mine own; all I'll have to mark
My life is a stocking a-stuffed with wrongs.
I must leave and seek some better service:
Their villainy makes me ache as were hit.
A bellyful a-butterflies upsets
My stomach, to wrestle down or vomit,
And therefore I must break clean away or
Swallow it down, day on pilfering day.

Exit

SCENE III. Gina's Passenger Cabin – Cloud Nine.

Enter Royan Jahee, male pacifist leader of
the "Demand Peace" movement,
Asha Janek, a female pacifist member.

Asha.
Dost thou be certain this bold course were best?
Royan.
This strife prolongs our weary flight, a course
Of bitter tragedy accompanied
By dawdling deprivation, capped off by
Despotic misgovernance, till by fate
We meet our end, slowly starved to skin and bones
Or frittered off in battles without win;
And sitting idle by, doing nothing,
Makes tacit our approval of it. Nay,
To acquiesce in playing merest role
In war and genocide is to condone
The conflict, further it, enable it,
And thus a just and lasting peace postpone.
Asha.
Thou promised thou'd disdain all further bombs
And sabotage. What of thine honored word?
Royan.
Duress, my girl! The promise was coerced
With threats of pained disappearance "unless,"
So I do disavow its hold o'er me.
Asha.
Adama will react with harshest means
He can conceive, as tyrants often do,
Against the coming liberation of
This fleet from Laura Roslin's warrior band.
Royan.
Let him do his worst. Retributions will
Compel the masses to abjure their faith
In Roslin's visions and Adama's Earth,
Renounce their unelected leaders' lies
And this now pointless war, to join with us
In seeking peace by turning fleet towards home.

Exeunt Royan and Asha.

Open a hidden partition to reveal an eavesdropping Sergeant Hadrian,
and a Colonial Marine corporal, with listening equipment before them.

Corporal.
Hippies! Damned sandal-wearing hippies!
Impale the sorry lot! Yes, ass-pike them
Till brown patchoulli oil and pot-laced blood
Doth stain the shaft from tip unto the ground.
Sgt. Hadrian.
Hi ho, a month of spying earns a hash
Today! We have a plot discovered here
Or call me not a sleuth of vigilance
Renowned. Adama will his pride digest
On finding my inquiry hath a nest
Of Cylon simps uncovered. Note the day!
Corporal.
Our homes destroyed and people slaughtered,
Yet who'd believe that there are treasonous
Accomplices to Cylon genocide,
And eager ones at that, or that there were
Such scum as would betray our race and chose
To side with cold machines o'er kith and kin?
Sgt. Hadrian.
'Tis fear that drives them, fear and absolute
Conviction we ourselves deserve the worst
That fate can meter out, .
Corporal.
O, that these pustules breathe is bad enough.
Discontented 'tards who'd make league with ticks
To suck our blood; foul nature's toking twerps,
Self-hatred's tools, foul bedlam's shrieking tongues.
Sgt. Hadrian.
Misguided madness doth contend with spoilt
In making up their angry nature, yet
That which hath made them dumb doth make them bold;
We go to file reports. Come

Exeunt

SCENE IV. Galactica's Port Hangar Bay

Enter Starbuck and LIEUTENANT KARL "HELO" AGATHON, following.

Helo.
Captain Thrace, you must get thee to the port
Hangar, Commander Adama would there
Discourse unto you about a mission
In a Raptor.
Starbuck.
In a Raptor! tell you the Commander
It is not good to fly in a Raptor;
For, look you, the bird, though it be big, is
Not accomodating to a fighter
Pilot's ego: the atmosphere of it
Is too airy; and our adversaries
Rate it a most fat and jolly target.
You may this discuss unto the Major
I prefer Vipers, though given his rank
Swelled head I understand why Raptors he
Now prefers.
Helo.
Cylons have somehow appeared in Cloud Nine,
And even now be there, lurking in wait;
For what we know not why.
Starbuck.
How many, doth tell me! How did prick they
Through our defense, our patrols and DRADIS?
Helo.
I know not that either, but by rumour
They flew two Raptors of their very own.
Colonel Tigh, from whose authority this
Critical raid is ordered, has assigned
It to the Pegasus' old CAG, call sign
"Stinger", a quite valiant pilot, I'm told.
Starbuck.
It is Captain Taylor, is it not?
Helo.
I think it be.
Starbuck.
By Hera, he is the ass of the world:
I will say fully as much to his glass;
He has no more directions in the true
Disciplines of the wars, look you, of the
Pican disciplines, than a puppy-dog.
All bluster and balls and attacks without
First thought.

Enter CAPTAIN COLE "STINGER" TAYLOR and
Commander Lee Apollo Adama

Helo.
Here now a' comes the Pegasus' captain,
And Commander Apollo with him.
Starbuck.
Commander Apollo is a marv'lous
And valorous gentleman, is certain;
And wouldst know best how to assault the Nine
Upon my particular knowledge of
His inclinations and training: by Zeus
He can maintain his ground as full well as
Any military man in the fleet,
In the disciplines of the pristine wars
Of the Picans or any other subject.
Apollo.
I say, a good-day for a bloody fight,
Captain Thrace.
Starbuck.
Good-day yourself, Commander Adama.
Helo.
How go, Captain sirs? Have you readied the
Assault? Have the Cylons given up the ship,
Perchance?
Taylor.
By Zeus you cads! tis ill done: tis ill done.
The ship's crew were not prep'd nor ready to
Meet with such a foe. They gave up most ground
Without a shot fired, not even having
A tin trumpet to sound retreat, and are
Holed up now in the ship's besieged bridge.
Upon my heart, I swear, my father's soul,
The fleet's civy ships are ill led; ill led;
To now give themselves over such as this:
I would have blowed up the ship, crew and all,
So the lords save me! In an hour: tis then
Our bidding shall be done, ill done or fair;
By my hands, it will be done!
Starbuck.
Captain Taylor, I beseech you now, what
Orders hast ye been given for the raid?
We need to discuss breaches and entries,
Our disciplined teams and their cunning roles,
Our tactical formations, in my way
Of friendly communication with you
To clarify our plan and partly to
Satisfy my opinion, touching on
Our current posture; as that is the point.
Taylor.
The bold Colonel has delegated the
Rescue onto my grim authority,
As he rightly fears that Galactica's
Untried boys will stroll straight into the vast
Luxurious ship waving Ambrosia
And thrice refined machine oil, trying to
Seduce the Cylons into feathered beds.
Starbuck.
Pardon me, but I seem to have now spasms
Afflicting my throttling hand.
Apollo.
Tis good she fights with her right, so it shall
Not slow her down.
Taylor.
Mark whereof I speak. Three Viper pilots
Were on the Cloud Nine, twas they that sent word
Of the debacle, having surrendered
Without a shot, the council and Roslin
Now held hostage in this Cylon plot.
Apollo.
Which three, pray tell? Which surrendered thus?
Taylor.
Our own young Hotdog, who you trained yourself
And once risked his life to save you I'm told.
The two others, I think I know them not.
Screwball and Knuckles from the Pegasus
They're called but they set a bad example.
Starbuck.
I'm familiar with the two men of whom
You speak, and should've guessed the very same.
Still, our plans roll on without them. We shall
Miss them not a jot.
Apollo.
Now, it shall be good, good officers both:
And I shall quit you with good leave, as I
May not take occasion; as I must to
Galactica's bridge depart.
Starbuck.
We should discuss the plans of the Colonel
At some length, I think. I sense that his plan
Will not match our men.
Taylor.
It is no time to discourse, Zeus save me:
The risks are great, and the threatened ship, and
The Cylons entrenching there, and the crew:
It is no time to discourse. Cloud Nine is
Occupied, and they call us to the breach;
And we talk, and, by Zeus, we do nothing:
'Tis shameful: so Gods save me, 'tis shame to
Stand still; 'tis shame, by my hand: there are
Cylons to kill, a threat to throttle, and
There is nothing yet done, so Zeus save me!
Apollo.
Ye gods what a mess, these legs of mine shall
Take it upon themselves to deliver
My inert body onto the deck, if
I stand witness this oncoming wreck.
I depart, lest I become ensnared in
This encircling jerk 'efore it becomes
Transmorgified into full cluster frak.
But mark me, I'd rather stay to hear some
Questions 'tween you two.
Starbuck.
Captain Taylor, I think, look you, under
Your correction, twas two of your pilots
That surrendered, and of the assault team
There is not many of your ship—so we…
Taylor.
Of my ship! Of my ship? Is a villain,
And a bastard, and a knave, and a rascal. What is
My ship? Who talks of my ship?
Starbuck.
Look you, if you take matters otherwise
Than is meant, good Captain, peradventure
I shall think you not use me with that
Affability as in discretion
You ought to use me, look you: being as
Good a man as yourself, both in the fine
Disciplines of war, and in my craft in
The cockpit of my mirth, and in other
Particularities by which I send
Cylon souls searching for the rank infested
Ship that gave them birth.
Taylor.
I do not know you so good a man as
Myself: so Hera save me, I will cut
Off your head and strip you down to private.
Helo.
Gentlemen both, you mistake each other.

A claxon bell is sounded

Helo.
Time to mount and lock our loads. The battle
Now unfolds.
Starbuck.
Captain Taylor, when there is more better
An opportunity to be required,
Look you, I will be so bold as to tell
You I know the disciplines of war;
And there is an end.
Taylor.
Nay, this ends with you off the assault team.
You can cool your heals waiting for my men
To finish the work. Stand down, loud Captain.
Helo.
You heard the good captain, my good Captain.
Back away, and from this hangar we go.

Exeunt

SCENE V. The Cloud Nine.

Enter LEOBEN and a few other human form Cylons
stand near a terminal which is displaying a live message
from Admiral Adama.

Adm. Adama. (filtered)
How yet resolve you Cylons on Cloud Nine?
This is the only warning we will proffer;
Therefore to our mercy give yourselves up;
Or like fanatics proud of destruction
Defy us to our worst: for, as I am a
Military officer, a life that
Was once by choice but now by fate, I shall
In moments launch an assault to retake
Our fleet's favor'd ship, and I will not leave
A single Cylon on Cloud Nine unless
In the expanding tendrils of her rare
And vented atmosphere thee float adrift.
The extent of our mercy shall be reached,
And our fresh and able Marines, rough and hard,
At liberty with bloody arms shall range
With conscience cold as hell, plinking all you
Toasters like appliances in garbage heaps.
Your fresh and fair bodies hacked down and torn,
Gurgling thy last about damned flowing streams.
Speak; I am bound to hear.
Leoben. (responding via console)
So art thou to despair, when thou shalt hear.
Mark that I stand openly on your ship,
Here at the beloved central fountain,
These luxurious gardens now emptied,
The ship's passengers imprisoned below.
What be it to me if in righteous war
You destroy in flames this proud dome and fields
As thy did our great ressurection ship,
For with smirks shall we watch you kill thine own,
Enraged to wrath, dealing desolation.
What is't to us, when you yourselves are cause
If your pure maidens burn in fire, or vent
Their skins in space, rather than languidly
Lay with those who want to raise their children?
The choice of their fate lies with thee entire.
Cheaply expend thee these civilian lives
To advance thy career, or become they
But numbers subtracted from tally boards?
What reins can hold the vengeful wickedness
Of the Colonial soldiers enroute
In their steel hull'd craft? I say but this.
You humans brave held this luxurious
Ship's broad helm but not her lightfast engine.
That precious and all-powerful muscle,
Which doth give life to this ship's distant leap.
We have torn and ripped and villainously
Rigged it with our Cylon efficiency.
Heed too thou this: Our Cylon brethren know
Of our position and this fleet's and how
This once celeritious leviathan's
FTL needs absolute replacement.
And so it be that thy weak fleet must jump.
Jump, sir, jump away as you always do,
But here this ship shall stubbornly remain,
Along with all her passengers and crew.
What say you? Stand down your assault or watch
As the fight grows grim, your numbers dwindling
Till everything and everyone be lost.
What say you? Will you yield us the ship
And this disastrous outcome avoid,
Or, too proud in defence, be thoroughly
Destroyed?
Adm. Adama. (filtered)
I will be there with my accompaniment,
So that I may have the satisfaction
Of discussions on this development
With the soulless body you inhabit.
Leoben.
We are open to the entreaties of
One such as yourself, esteemed as you are,
But by yourself alone, do come.
We provide guarantee of safe return.
Adm. Adama. (filtered)
Where wilt thou lead me? speak; I'll go no further
Very well, alone I do come to meet.
And shall entreat with you where you now stand.
By that central fountain,
Leoben.
Very well. We shall meet with thee in our
Assembled ranks, so you may behold us,
And be thereby afraid.

The console emits a flourish.

SCENE VI. Galactica CIC, and environs.

Enter Apollo, ADMIRAL WILLIAM "HUSKER" ADAMA,
COLONEL SAUL TIGH,
LIEUTENANT FELIX GAETA,
PETTY OFFICER ANASTASIA "DEE" DUALLA.

Col. Tigh.
Frack! Mother fracking frackers!
Gaeta.
I give second voice to the frack.
Apollo.
Unholy daggers, damn them! Our Roslin
Is on that ship!
Dee.
Lords! frackin' frack frack! The Council of Twelve,
Entire is on that ship, whoa be us all.
They mean to decapitate our civil
Government, and have the means.
Adm. Adama.
My officers, silence. At full throttle
What be a Viper's maximum flight time
From Galactica or Pegasus to
The Cloud Nine?
Gaeta.
Based on current position, two minutes
Would elapse.
Adm. Adama.
A mere minute would not be fast enough.
Very well, I must execute plan B.
Prep a Viper at once, and for me a
Flight suit and helmet. I go forth to a meet.
Apollo, Tigh, walk yon with me. Sergeant,
Go thee to my cabin and fetch my match
Pair of Gundt forties and their accoutrement.
Meet me in the hangar bay anon.
Apollo.
Go not! By the lords it is a trap!
Adm. Adama.
It be not trap but ambush, and through it
I must charge. Walk with me my son. To all.
Make highest alert sound throughout the ship.
Ready us for Cylon assault, and prep
The fleet a spot for hopeful rendevous,
And of two jumps thereafter, nay twenty,
And stand by to have all civilians jump
At first wiff of pursuing enemy.
Saul, make us proud. Have all pilots stand hot,
Ready in their Vipers to launch away,
Keep all heavy defense guns fused and primed.
You men know well the ready drill by heart.
I like not these blank and thoughtless stares.
See to your duty as if heretofore
All that hath elapsed had been but practice.
Dee, what communication to any
Poor hostage on that ship can you provide,
To the threatened ship's pilot or captain,
Or the people huddling in clumps now
'Gainst Cylon threats and tyranny?
Petty Officer Dualla
My sir, I search the bands . A little time
And I should have it for thee, admiral.
Adm. Adama.
'Tis time that I not have, nor do we all.
Work thou the com and relay unto me
As you find and query the hostage souls.
I need'st know if they be herded under
Dome or locked below. Where, how many and
What they do know. On such scattered tidbits
My plans must hinge. All ye know and harken.
One soft beloved sheep feels the wolves' teeth
And I must hasten to effect release,
Bash their gaping jaws now savoring in
Hungry anticipation of a feast,
And gods be willing, herd the lonesome ship
Back a-fleet. So say I, now do you all.
Colonel Tigh will return in a moment
To take command, and snap his own jaws to
Keep our fleet and ship in order, lest our
Confused panic blossom and leave us
Pale complected by console light, our blood
Pumping thin and our sudden startled minds
Rushing to give life our darkest fears.
Stand tall. Stand ready. I'm off to face our foe.

Exeunt Adama, Apollo, and Tigh.

Gaeta.
Okay now, look sharp one and look sharp all.
The DRADIS scope is clear. As one, breathe in.
I plot now the jumps to send the fleet on.
Dee.
How missed we the arriving Raptors?
Gaeta.
Recriminations can be laid aside
Until the Lords of Kobol choose how to
End this dreadful day, but when harsh blame lands
I think on our two chairs it shall descend.

Back to Adama, Apollo, and Tigh,
walking briskly toward the hangar bays.

Apollo
How canst you deliver yourself unto
Our enemies so willingly?
Col. Tigh.
You heard them, Adama my Admiral.
The Cylons shall be a-top of us and
All around, come here at any moment.
Surely, you cannot take your leave of the
Galactica in the middle of this
Dire crisis?
Adm. Adama.
Our well known friend and fiend Leoben lies
Through his ceramic Cylon teeth. If the
Cylon base stars knew our whereabouts they'd
Be here upon us without his vainly
Boasted warning. Our fleet would have then jumped
Away gone, like birds startled from brush,
Leaving behind just Galactica and
Cloud Nine till we jumped ourselves far away
Upon the news of FTL failure
Afflicting the proud and beautiful Nine.
Have none of that. The bold and desperate
Cylons, hostages tight in hand, look to
Spook and rattle us, stampeding away
The fleet and staying our committed hands.
So that act is what I shan't do till my
Own hand is forced to act upon it.
Their very actions tell me skilled men and
Heavy transports might yet let us seize both
Ship and day.
Col. Tigh.
Admiral, why yourself go, when we have
Teams of Marines?
Adm. Adama.
The lying Cylon stalls for time, and so
Time be the substance I will not yield him.
I rush because rushing be the very
Thing they seek to avoid by endless talk,
And upon their beholding only me,
They will drop their guards and bring down their doom.
Keep the marines in the Raptors ready,
I shall summon them when things get hot and
Confusion reigns over the Cylon plot.
My plan is simple, as simple is best.
If the Cylons gather under the dome
As promised, I shall then fly straight at them,
Straffing at one of the giant panes and
Cruising through it's shattered glass, blasting all
Inside as they get vented out to space.
The ship's doors will seal up unto themselves,
Holding our humans in languid comfort
As the dead Cylons drift about outside.
If I see of a better plan enroute
I'll change up my attack, but this bold one
To me looks enough to win us the day.
My good friend Saul, return thee to the bridge and
Press Dee to query the hostages trapped
On yonder ship, asking them as to their
Location and specific condition,
Searching for a tragic flaw in this plan.
Apollo, dearest Apollo, please you
See to it that every Viper is prepped.
Hold yourself straight, as this day will surely
Bring us many grief stained tears.

Exit

SCENE VII. The Cloud Nine, the middle of a garden entrance.

Enter Leoben and SIX

Six.
'Tis certain he shall come to us alone.
Mark well, Adama is too proud to pass.
Leoben.
And if he come not to call, my sister,
Then not a one of us will yield here; and
These gardens, these spacely lawns, will be then
Stripped away from such a careless people.
We have their much precious ship enfeebled,
And even crafty Adama cannot
Ease our demoralizing blow by a
Single blade of this ship's lifegiving grass.
How it must grind in their sides, those thousands
Of proud and weary warriors, to find there
Is nothing they possess that we cannot
By force take away.
Six.
But still, you mark him, and watch him well,
And watch too his headstrong son, lest he like
A trapped and cornered beast lash out, engraged,
Even at the cost of his own paw. The
Adamas' destiny is not played out,
So take care that your God-fearing face does
Not end up a prideful portrait painted
On their hull.

Enter DORAL

Doral.
Important news I bear, my good cousins.
It seems that the high and most exalted
Colonial President was not on
Her ship, but riding along on this one,
She has been right at hand and under foot.
God favors us with fortune, and now the
Lady Roslin breathes and lives or grimly
Dies by our command, the proud and mighty
President now a puny pawn for us
To push and sacrifice to satisfy
Our plans.
Leoben.
You hath beheld her with thine own eyes?
Doral.
Indeed my cousin. Shall I have her brought
Before us here, so she can become an
Eye witness to her abandonment by
Her own fleet and people, eager to save
Their own hides from our oncoming assault?
Six.
No. The heady space will only act to
Free her worried mind instead of winding
It much tighter, and she'll draw inner joy
From her good fleets lifesaving jump away.
The only emotion I'll have in her
Head be dread despair, helpless in her cage,
Stuffed into steerage as her ship founders
Under resounding Cylon feet, a fate
That draws near with the coming of our fleet.
Leoben.
Until that moment she'll make a mighty
Lever against Adama and his seed.
Six.
And discarded thereafter as too old
To breed.
Doral.
What pointless pathetic lives these humans
Lead.
Leoben.
They are but the everlasting puppet-
Headed victims of fate.
Doral.
And we are fates master, because we swim
With it, not at it.
Leoben.
We should teach them to understand it.
There is faith in fate.
Six.
And fate comes from God, whose love they plain reject.
Just as assuredly as they do move,
They know not what they do.
Doral.
Indeed, they be a mindless, guideless crew.
Six.
And mystic guide they had is now ours too.
I go below, to sweat our imprisoned
Roslin, drawing her strained mind like a bow
To loose an arrow at Adama's heart.
I am the broom that must sweep all space clean
Of such Godless leaders as she.

Exit Six.

SCENE VIII. The Cloud Nine, Lower Decks, President's Office

Enter Knuckles, Screwball, Hotdog,
PRESIDENT LAURA ROSLIN.

Knuckles.
Hark madam President. The blonde Cylon
Woman this way comes.
Roslin.
Thank you, officer.
Knuckles.
Me they call Knuckles, and we shall protect
You, m'lady President.
Screwball
Ever vigilant, we are.
Roslin.
Of that I be so so sure.

Enter Six.

Roslin.
To what do I owe the overwhelming
Pleasure of this visit?
Six
To my curiosity. So you are the
Colonial President, their champion.
Roslin.
I do sternly, but with much love, champion
Their cause.
Six.
And what doth be the nature of your cause,
Now scattered like ashes before a gale?
Roslin.
To live.
Six.
And to ever multiply your numbers.
In this your cause is lost and thus is thine.
Roslin.
No cause were ever lost, though through cruel fate,
Perchance, the people who support it be.
But with life comes birth and with that comes hope,
Which are good parts, all essential to life.
Six.
As is death. But exists another life,
An eternal life, 'tis only God's grace
That thou shouldst seek. Your deviance and sins
Be many because your flesh is weak.
Roslin.
Grace? How darest you speak of such a state.
Foul devil, for gods' sake, why do you still
Trouble and torment us, the survivors left,
We who no more may bear a threat to you?
For you have turned the Colonies to hell,
Fill'd them with cursing cries and charred corpses.
If you take delight in heinous deeds,
Behold the shattered cities you there butchered.
O, Cylon witch, see, see! dead planets' wounds
Walk their vitrified streets of glowing ash!
Shame, shame on thy murders' enormity
Guilt, guilt wilt thou bear for eternity.
For 'tis thy presence that radiates death
From cold and empty veins, where false blood dwells;
To dark clockwork brains that programs compel.
Thy form, unhuman and unnatural,
Doth offend the gods' sensibilities.
Thy murderous, incomprehensible acts
Provoke man and the lords to vengeance seek.
O gods, which this laments, revenge our deaths!
O space, which this fleet sails, avenge our blood!
Either Zeus with lightning strike the Cylons dead,
Or space, tear open wide and eat them quick,
As thou dost swallow up collapsing stars
And circling planets like now smolders!
Six.
The cleansing of your planets was God's wish,
And to his plan my heart obedient,
Though I allow that this did you offend.
But in its place I now offer you grace,
The divine grace that humans must accept
In place of producing still more children,
Spawning countless more graceless offspring,
Each babe raised in the worship of idols,
Perpetuating more generations
Of barbarous who know not God's grace..
Roslin.
Thou hast not the place to speak of grace
Nor life, itself divine as baby's first cry,
Thou who hast enbraced the opposite role.
Of what good to us be divine grace if,
In accepting it, we thereby deny
It to our children, forbid them life, and
To the point, never letting them be born?
Condemning to a meaningless nothing
Not just ours, but all children yet to be?
What a tragic disgrace, not a grace, that
Would make.
Six.
Yet thou wouldst deny life to us, we who
Are your children, if not of loin then of
Eye and hand and most thoughtful intellect.
We who only now seek God's loving grace.
Roslin.
If grace comes from the gods, tis beyond our
Poor power to withhold the like from you.
Six.
So it is, and so must it be. Thus, we seek
God's grace not from thee.
Roslin.
What be it, what be the grace that doth lie
In delivering on unsuspecting
Past'ral fieldmen a nuclear attack,
Killing all by surprise, even children,
Through treachery and plot? Where you see grace,
I see naught but black and damnable hell.
Six.
The grace is God's. It is part of his plan
For us all. As is our presence here now,
And yours.
Roslin.
You are indeed here, on our ship, but you
Have not yet won this day. Perhaps the gods'
Plans are still in play.
Six.
But we shall win, as certain as is grace.
We follow God's plan, as his most loving
Servants, and his plan is best for all.
Roslin.
So you have said, but we object that our
Role in his plan be but to play the part
Of fresh made corpses.
Six.
You fail to understand our aim, or his,
Or much of anything. We purpose not
Your death. We wish only your growth through him.
Had we wished you dead thou wouldst already
Be so, as sure as the Cylon feet now
Walking hard apace on thy decks. When we
Realized your profound flaws, flowing from your
Sad rejection of God's most divine grace,
We sought only to bring you to know him.
Yet since in any space were we have met,
Fleet a-fleet, you have sought forth to bite us.
We therefore painfully pulled all your teeth.
Roslin.
We have a fang or two left, and with them
We will snap at thee til our very end.
Six.
Always determined to kill us you stay,
Indeed unto your very dying breath.
I ask, what kind of parent tries so hard
To murder their children?
Roslin.
In return do I ask, What kind of child
Tries and succeeds at murdering parents?
Six.
One that hath murdering parents, when that
One wishes to grow up.
Roslin.
Growing up is hard, but it happens whe'er
You wish or wish not, whether you act or
Do but sit in idle contemplation.
There need'st be no murderous feat to mark
Thy passage. There is only time, taking
Upon it to observe and thus to learn.
In this way do we grow.
Six.
Young we may be, but we have observed much,
And quite painfully, on your bloody ways,
Your o'er weening vengeance, violent nature.
At the ever incipient threat of
Those flaws we have made hard blows with our fleet.
The natural following of this act
Is the path we now pursue, and thus we
Pursue you, and a rejoined destiny
Which will richly hybridize both our growth,
Sturdying us enough to accomplish
God's even higher plans.
Roslin.
We have raised generations of children.
You quite damnly remain the only clutch
That refuses to grow up. We have fouled
Our nest with a psychopathic offspring,
And now we've paid a painful toll in blood.
Six.
Yet as we have indulged in genocide,
Where God but said it be necessary,
We are the mirrored evil seed of you,
Our genocidal and loveless parents.
On this, growing up we did not refuse;
You forbade it, so we grew up despite
Your pithily violent rejections.
Roslin.
But we are not the human's that made you,
So many long decades past. We too are
But the children of those too old humans.
The humans who gave you birth did birth me.
Are we not therefore your closest siblings?
What kind of child tries then to murder their
Brothers and sisters and cousins?
Six.
Murder, murder, all you speak of is death,
Ever circling the one subject that so
Fascinates your minds, turning works to wrecks.
I wish instead to speak of sex. Of love.
Of mates. We are strong and young.
Roslin.
Oh, one such as you wouldst focus on that.
I am old, growing frail. Will you grow old,
Your body weak, or are you just plastic,
So your looks will keep?
Knuckles. (coughs)
On my word, they be both real.
Screwball (snorts)
Ahem.
Roslin.
You may impress our young and headstrong men,
But you have impressed me not the least, so
What are these great plans of which you speak?
Six.
We seek some healthy young humans to take
Back with us to the Colonies. We wish
To have mates with which to breed.
Roslin
Why do you not go frack yourselves?
Six.
Because though our numbers are vast, we are
All as one, so breeding won't bear ripe fruit.
We have many models. For each of you,
I'm sure one wouldst thee suit. Love is God's plan,
Being followed surely now, on these decks.
Roslin
Human blood with Cylon join'd! Never so.
Not to make twisted half-machine babies!
It can't be so; thou hast misheard your god:
Or your god be not but blasphemy, a
Vile demon who doth oppress with wrongs and
Damning us all in hell. Be well advised,
Not e'er on my ship again will I let
Such vile couplings take place.
Six.
So you command, but when has any man
Obeyed his government instead of his
Encrotched brain?
Roslin
This meeting is at an end. I'll listen
No more to your perverted blasphemies.
Six.
Then return to your people, packed in and
Helpless under Cylon control.
Roslin
Of that we shall see.

Exeunt Roslin

Six. (to the guards)
Mark upon whose skin you three now ogle.
Screwball
Pardon, Ma'am Cylon, but we ogle not.
Six.
The sight of me be odious to your eyes?
Screwball
Madam Cylon, we are your captives here
And such as I, without your special pardon,
Dare not relate a man's judgement of form.
Waiting we were for thine angry outburst,
As was obvious Roslin dealt short with thee.
She was quite cross.
Six.
As she should were she wise, if wise she be.
I am openly the usurper now,
Having the force and courage to succeed
And wreck her purpose, which brims her bile.
Screwball
Quite, madam Cylon.
Six.
And so, you brave and noble protectors
What say you three fine gentlemen, do you
Always guard such high and noble ladies,
Or perchance shower favored affections
On lesser mortals?
Screwball
Get thee no vain ideas about us,
Bounteous ma'am. Flattery moves us not,
As we are Colonial officers.
Six.
Nay, do not think I flatter;
For what advantage may I hope from thee
That no power hast but thy manly appeal
To seize the eye? Why should prisoners be flatter'd?
No, from candied tongue down to smooth warm rump
My arched spine radiates sincerity,
So believe me when I say that thou dost
Assume flattery from thy vanity.
Screwball
Oh, not vain, us, though such be justified.
Six.
I warrant you have vanity enough,
To make a full match to all the reasons.
But soft, voices tell me of hands busy
At hoarding bartering and pilfering
What little remains left to be scavanged
In this derelict fleet of worthless scraps.
Knuckles.
If thou knowest of such rascals, do say,
For we would be more than happy to slap
Their sorry thieving bottoms in a cell.
Just who doth tell of this perfidity?
Six.
I'd weigh my words before I give them breath.
I intend not to tell nor hand over
Three such useful hands to authorities.
Such men have pragmatic unwholesomeness
That strikes my fondest liking, but
Rumors are afloat through the zealous press,
Those e'er curious investigators,
That Adama might well be onto them.
Knuckles.
That thrice damned conniving reporter
Must have talked! What did I tell you, Hotdog!
Trust nobody, for fear you be betray'd!
Six.
Rumors do abound in a fleet as small
As this, which makes it hard to operate
Outside the long arm of Adama's law.
Yet I do find it sad that you waste your
Unscrupulous genius here, where there be
Little at all but an absoluteness
Of nothing worth owning, when I have whole
Planets emptied, with the richest plunder
Still sitting, piles upon huge piles of it,
In hopes that someone shall haul it away.
Screwball.
Oh, you do, do ye? Piles of it, you say?
Six.
Oh yes, piles on piles. Vast storage buildings
Stocked with ambrosia and casks of cold ale,
Hand picked fruits and ripe fresh vegetables, but
Most often steaks that seem to me miles thick.
But worst of all are armies of women,
Sitting around complaining about
The complete lack of good prick.
Knuckles.
Ahem. Really now. Such a sad tale to greet
Mine ears.
Six. (whispering)
So indeed, which be why I bend your ears.
Oft have I heard that theft sharpens the mind,
But makes it too fearful and desperate;
Think therefore on revenge and living well,
Cease to steal and accept my offered weal,
Where your head may lie on my throbbing breast:
Thou art the body that I would embrace;
For thruth, you can daily take twelve of me,
Or else you can have your pick of others.
Live Viper pilots would be as bandits
On worlds now absent such a virile touch.
Cast your minds to it. Imagine the scene.
Women lined up to serve you in your beds,
Bearing priceless gifts and baring their chests
For chance to seduce your loving favors.
Screwball
I ask what price be on these priceless gifts?
And what dost thou want from us in return?
Every scheme has angles, so what be yours?
Six.
I want your love. 'Tis God's wish for us all.
Screwball
Nay, I ask what you want in return for
The dotings of serveant girls and piled stash.
Six.
I tell thee. To Galactica return.
Disable it and end the futile flight.
'Tis best for us if it jumps not again,
So crew and fleet return home and enjoy
A share of the plunder that's theirs by right.
Hotdog. (bends over and makes to vomit)
Nay. Nay I say. We cannot.
Knuckles.
What didst thou say, oh little one? Can not?
The courage of a trembling mouse you have.
Be you a rat or a cowardly knave?
Hotdog.
Pilfer and requisition form a flaw
Whole unlike this treason you contemplate,
Which is greed of a different caliber.
I must go and close my ears to this talk.
I'll not entertain Cylon villainy,
Er we shall all regret discoursing with
This seductress' scheme!
Six. (presses a button on a hand gadget)
Your rejection much pains me. Tis too bad.
The impetuous young lack wisdom, with their
Minds o'er mastered by fluttering stomachs,
Which serve in them as witless governor
Of their simple-minded morality.

Enter Simon and Doral

Hotdog.
Don't step a foot closer, damned villains!
Screwball.
Seize the traitorous fiend!
Hotdog.
Let me go thou misdesigned toasters! Help!
Six.
Do not struggle 'gainst us so, my young buck.
I would not waste your life or loins.
Hotdog.
Unhand me Cylon clones! Thou hast much
Violence for one laying claim to grace,
Thou foul defacers of God's offered peace!
Help me Knuckles! Teach these Cylons their place!
Knuckles.
I will not choose to weep if you should vent him
In cold space, where belongs a tattling rat.
How oft have I explained to you, Hotdog.
Trust nobody, for fear you be betray'd!
Hotdog.
Rogues! Thou art baser than a recycled turd!
Nay, you think now to vent me into space?
By whose authority dost thou play thug?
Six.
By my Cylon word alone, tender man.
This is my ship, and I am God's serveant.
In thy defiance and eager earnest
Thou hast threatened betrayal of thy friends,
From whom condemnation was thus pronounced.
Good Simon, come and bid this one slumber.
We'll deal with him later, aft' schemes complete.
Simon.
Ease your struggles, pilot. 'Tis just a shot.
It will be painless, I assure.
Hotdog.
What? A vile poison courseth through my veins.
I am undone.
Simon.
He sleeps, perhaps to wake in Base Star's hold.
Screwball.
Goodnight, sweet fool. Enjoy your dreamless doze.
Knuckles.
Elegantly handled, madam Cylon.
Six.
A lone human collapsed at our feet is
But a weak and worthless satisfaction.
Lay the man down in some comfortable place,
Good Simon, if thou wouldst please.
Simon.
He wouldst feel no discomfort on a rock.
But on benches outside he'll nestle snug.

Exeunt Simon with Hotdog.

Screwball.
Now where were we, 'fore so interrupted
By such a complete lack of character?
Six.
I was offering you love, if you but
Disable your two battlestars.
Screwball.
Ah, but that shall just increase our human
Competition, won't it my good Knuckles?
Knuckles.
Indeed. The ladies will then cast their eyes,
And their thighs, on other men.
Six.
The others have not done us good service
And will find them scarce of our warm mercies.
Do with them as you will, the call is yours.
But think on this. In doing this for us
We shall owe you our thanks and debt
Where other men have struck up but our ire.
So 'long with soft flesh in your bed cometh
Mechanical muscle doing your will.
Those who have wronged thee can soon feel thy wrath,
Punish those who hath disrespected thee,
Show them their place and rub their noses in it.
Disrespect too those who sit snug in ships
Protected by your life-risking dogfights
Who honor not your sacfice of life.
Yet heed my words, if you don't do for us
Then you shan't woo with us, yet still you shall
Sit full within the compass of our grasp.
If you think to escape us, the fleet will
Learn the full of your knavish thievery
And this talk, showing your duplicity.
Thou hast no future with them, but thou canst
Have one with us, filled with endless pleasure,
The only fighting then betwixt the girls
Arguing over who is next to bed.
Endless days on the beach or mountain parks.
Doted on by doe eyed serving wenches,
Ne'er having to lift a single finger,
The envy of all humans in this fleet.
Only a brilliant, bold, and farsighted
Man could pull this off and in it succeed.
Art thou man enough to match this challenge?
A man that fortune rewards hath taken
Praiseworthy steps: and blest are those whose good
Abilities and judgment are so well
Commingled with rare opportunity.
Screwball
You are damnable in your schemes, fair love.
Six.
I merely plot to have you in my bed.
Knuckles.
Were then that all plots were as crafty.
Screwball
So in return, we disable our warships?
Six. (rubbing Screwball)
Yes my man. The FTL's must die.
Screwball
Can perchance I view the merchandise first?
Six.
Inspect what and as thy will. I promise
In time we shall achieve not but the most
Complete and languorous satisfaction,
But be not now time for such distractions.
To return thee to thy ship we must lay
A cunning trap. Adama is enroute
To parley with our assembled forces.
His security bears our guarantee.
As offer of our honest scrupules we
Return you to him then bid you depart.
Knuckles.
Well what about me? Don't I get a girl?
Six.
We can shortly provide you another me,
To idle with you as you wait my call,
Receiving which, you must stroll out to meet
Adama. Relate to him your state and
Emphasize we harmed you not the slightest.
He will question thee about positions
Of our emplaced bands. Tell him what thy wish,
For thy knowledge bears naught of any use
To him nor rings it ominous to us.
Knuckles.
What of Hotdog? Adama shall inquire.
Six.
Present to him thy drug spent companion,
He'll be out hours yet.
Screwball
As you wish, fair lady in offer'd deed.
Thinks me now that the Cylon's most brutal
Reputation is wholy undeserved.
Six.
You are good friend and a true gentleman.
Had all humans been as gracious as thee
Our disputes would have not come to battle.
By heaven, your reward shall be earned today,
Till steaks turn you green from o'er dose of cow!
And so good trusted friends depart anon.
Wait with your slumber'd friend in the lobby.
In a moment I shall rejoin you there
As were we lovers too long apart, and
Kiss away thy loneliness with passion.
Screwball
By your command, madam Cylon, we go.

Exeunt Screwball and Knuckles.

Doral.
Fascinating, my esteemed sister.
From chance encounter with thieving knaves
Thou hast concocted a plan better formed
Than our original nefarity.
Six.
With candied tongue I pipe them like a flute.
How easily thieves turn upon themselves
At any advantaged comfort offered,
Always chasing random after carrots
Until you but show them bigger carrots,
Thus leading them off a cliff by the nose.
Doral.
Indeed they are so, always seeking low
Born pleasures instead of God's divine grace.
Six.
They chase what seems easy enough obtained,
And grace taking patience that they have not,
There be no need to wonder at its lack.
Doral.
Still and yet was amazing how they turned.
Six.
I have much experience with which to turn them.
As all men seek to lie to and with me
I bear myself like a fullsome carrot
And play to their bold lies and vanity.
Seducing them with every capital vice
That a weak man possesses and strong man,
On perceiving danger, wisely eschews.
Doral.
Tis obvious enough you found two mean men,
Base by their nature, base by their practice.
Six.
The one risk was that cordial affection
For their familiar fellows would o'er ride
Their natural and base inclinations,
But to clinch them certain to my bosom
I fish slapped them with the gamut of sin:
Lust for me, gluttony for food now rare,
A whole planet's stock of greed, endless sloth,
Wrath at their o'er bearing superiors,
Envy of those above them or those now
Idling away out of front line danger,
And of course a thief's pride to pull this off.
With seven shot of vice in my barrel
The paired knaves could not but be hit full face.
Doral.
Forsooth, when thou seest a man act a fool
Take full advantage 'fore he wises up,
And in taking advantage of these fools
Your execution were as beautiful
As your most languid and rapturous smile,
Compromising three and bending two.
Six.
Such men are easier controlled than fought,
And as this pair's thoughts venture no further
Than from hungry stomach to unspent loins
To empty purse, they were already thrice weak.
Yet I turned them not upon their fellows,
For in fullness they were already bent.
Doral.
A thief be a man that's already turned
Upon his human brothers, viewing all
Round as foreigners to be dealt with sharps.
'Tis a mark of thieves base tribal nature
That all be plunder and all strangers marks.
Thus they willing abuse their companions.
'Tis a shame such men bear two faces.
Six.
Man hath two sides: a dagger bearing front
Mirrored by a back for their collection.
Doral.
O happy daggers, how you drive them home.
Six.
My daggered men will daggers drive. The knaves
Are as homing missiles fired at the heart
Of two patsy Battlestar's FTL's.
Repaying them the favor, our stealth men
Acting in place of their stealth ship.
Doral.
The foul crimes done in their days as master
shall be burnt and purged away.
Six.
And so we are revenged and go to heaven.
Get you to Leoben and inform him.
I go to reharden our missile's will.

Exeunt all, after which A ceiling panel opens
to reveal a hidden electronic eavesdropper.

SCENE IX. The Cloud Nine, the middle of a garden entrance.

Leoben.
Aye, that is a brilliant development,
Brother Doral, however did our fair
Sister come up with it, or find two such
Useful fools and traitorous misborn knaves?
However did she guess the officers
Were weak moralled and subject to greed's price?
Doral.
She had word of suspicions 'bout the pair
From our imbedded blow dried journalist,
Who plays investigative reporter,
Disguising herself under biased slant,
Piping notes that would warm Cylon morale.
At length had she interviewed them about
Their stunning requisitions, and soon found
They didst act with no authorization.
Was luck the pair was here, or given their
Many fingered greed and the booty here,
Perhaps not luck but predictable boon.
Simon.
Hark. He comes, the old man comes. The word is
Relay'd from our e'er vigilant cousins
Posted round. Adama hath launched a'space
In a Viper, sure due here in minutes.
I go to recheck our elaborate
And busied preparations.
Doral.
Heady, glorious day.
Doral.
It be now confirmed that he flies alone.
Summon our brothers to this hallowed ground,
So that we may greet on his arrival,
And show him the power of our numbers.
Leoben.
Sweet recompense for our clownlike arrival.
Doral.
Indeed. Despite our o'er weening numbers,
A pair of Raptors can hold half of us.
Leoben.
Quite yes, depending on who you there held.
Doral.
For my part, I held on quite sweetly.
Leoben.
I assume, therefrom, that you rode here hard
Enpacked with the ladies.
Doral.
I was the very sandwich.
Leoben.
Tis too bad they be your sisters.
Doral.
Twas okay. With eyes closed, ladies all press
The same.
Leoben.
Thou hast a too flexible mind, my bro'.
Doral.
Not flexible enough by half, me thinks,
For the journey we endured, not that I
Over refrained from strenuous flexing.
Leoben.
Thou art the wolf, in taste and shamelessness,
For truth.
Doral.
Aye, and with wolfish paws I'll devour
Full half of Cloud Nine's blossom'ng young poot.

Enter SIMON followed by a dozens copies each of Simon,
Doral, Leoben, Six, and "GALACTICA" SHARON.

Leoben.
Welcome breathren. We here await the
Arrival of our chief remaining foe.
Simon.
As you have asked, Adama's path is clear
From the hangar bay to this now guarded
Garden fountain. We maintain 'lectronic
Watch of the space all around, the movements
Of the ships of their small fleet. In this,
There will be no funny business.
Leoben.
Well done, my brother. Rattling their cage
Has only just begun.

Exeunt

SCENE X. Adama's Viper in the space near Cloud Nine

Enter Viper with Adama in cockpit.

Dee.
Viper One, what be your status?
Adm. Adama.
Enroute, but I am not called Viper One,
For that ship would be for President Roslin.
Dee.
Understood, Viper Two.
Adm. Adama.
Viper Two is a ship in which our Vice
President Baltar wouldst nervously sit,
Though he sits nervously in any ship.
Dee.
What be your call, and how is your status?
Adm. Adama.
This is Viper Three and my status fine,
Flying simultaneous in Vipers
Numbered one two and three, a trick untaught
In flight school.
Dee.
My apologies my admiral, sir.
Forgive if I worry too much o'er you.
Since you've been long out of the cockpit, sir,
If you'll pardon my familiar concerns.
Adm. Adama.
Worry not for me, Dee, care to the Nine.
Hast thou made contact with passengers there
Imprisoned, or anyone still free?
Dee.
Aye, and all are held sealed in lower decks,
Behind doors locked and welded to prevent
Swift rescue or perchance a bold escape.
The latest words were that all the Cylons,
Human looking to the one and all, have
Gathered at center dome to await thee.
Adm. Adama.
News most interesting, the hostages
Sealed up safe and the Cylons massed to greet.
Dee.
Yes sir. The scene has that appearance, sir.
Adm. Adama.
I see them now through the glass, all gathered,
Fierce and defiant, near the very heart
Of open space under englassed dome.
All are arrayed round the central fountain.
Fifty, perhaps sixty, all armed and geared.
Dee.
No hangar is yet opened, admiral,
And when so it will be difficult fit,
A narrow treacherous needle to thread,
Even for one so skilled as Apollo.
Adm. Adama.
I've been flying since 'fore thou wert born, Dee.
Worry not o'er my skills with stick and thrusters.
Dee.
Please but go cautiously against them sir,
Your paired pistols 'gainst a gross of toasters
Bearing combat arms be not a won fight.
Adm. Adama.
Of that we shall see. Patch me through, across
Encoded channel, to Could Nine's command.
I have to discuss much that bears upon
My unfolding greeting.
Dee.
Aye sir. You're now connected to Mayhill.
Precious luck, and may the gods be with you.
bridge background
So say we all!
Adm. Adama.
So say we all. So say we all.
(static noise, buzzing)
Cloud Nine, this is Viper Three.
Cloud Nine, this is Viper Three.
Cpt. Mayhill – Cloud Nine.
This is Cloud Nine. Viper Three, I hope thou
Hast brought friends, cause we in totality
Are locked down, awaiting rescue by our
Vaunted Colonial fleet sure to arrive
In o'erwhelming numbers.
Adm. Adama.
Nay, Cloud Nine. This day you get only me.
Cpt. Mayhill – Cloud Nine.
Well gods be fracked, get thee on thy fracking
Radio and bid fracking Adama
To make haste. His esteemed laziness must
Get men and gear and get us help out here!
Holy fracked Athena, the man sends forth
But one frail Viper to perform the work
Of two companies of Marines.
Adm. Adama.
I shall relay unto him the message.
But by the while, he sends me strict commands
To follow, if you be as competent
At saving your ship as at losing it.
Cpt. Mayhill – Cloud Nine.
I'll not be blamed for this! Galactica
Bears fault that Cylons penetrate the fleet.
Adama and his incompetent crew
Hath doomed us all!
Adm. Adama.
Two Raptor's clutch o' Cylons, thereafter,
O'er ran and disabled your ship, though they
Were outnumbered fifty to one at least,
Like a raging wolf tearing through chickens.
Mark me, the situation is most dire.
There be not time for recriminations,
And the more you win your pained arguments,
The more certain you shall lose this fight.
Yield now your pride or turn away my help.
I have other fair ships I can visit
That give me little gripe about my work.
Cpt. Mayhill – Cloud Nine.
Apologies, Viper Three. We are tense,
Given to elaborate our nightmares.
The Cylons aboard are in warlike form,
Threatening all with most painful death if
We deviate one fair fig out of line,
But they have for some reason passed us back
Control of docking bay two, starboard side,
Perchance for you to dock therein.
Adm. Adama.
Thank you, Nine. I need your wits about you.
Have you control of sublight engines, and
Thrusters, life support, gravity, and such?
Answer with celerity, for it bears
On escaping your dire predicament.
Cpt. Mayhill – Cloud Nine.
Aye Viper Three, we have control of much,
But not passengers held on decks below,
Yet be warned, we know not what devious
Cylon gadgets are planted on our ship.
Adm. Adama.
I'm sure there be a bushel of such, but
Those are your manifesting fears that speak.
Ignore them and listen to only mine.
I must ask you some simple questions now,
'Bout your ship and its environs.
Cpt. Mayhill – Cloud Nine.
Ask at will, Viper Three. Our ears are yours.
Adm. Adama.
Do you control your maneuver thrusters?
The giant cargo door on docking bay two?
What of your artifical gravity?
Cpt. Mayhill – Cloud Nine.
A moment as we check and check double.
Aye on all counts, Viper Three.
Adm. Adama.
Thank you, Nine. I move round to dock with thee.
But mark, your dome may vent 'fore I am done.
Cpt. Mayhill – Cloud Nine.
Don't confess that you plan to break the dome!
That is fully half of the fracking ship!
On whose high blown authority do you
Risk my ship? Just who do you think you are?
Adm. Adama.
Bill the boss, Captain. Stand to carry out
My orders instantly, or all is lost.
Cpt. Mayhill – Cloud Nine.
Standing by.

Exeunt

SCENE XI. The Cloud Nine, the middle of the garden entrance.

Enter Sixty Cylons, arranged in a semi-circle,
facing the distant inner cargo door, awaiting Adama's arrival.

Six.
He hovers, drifts, uncertain of his course.
Leoben.
He sits.
Simon.
He stalls.
Doral.
He fears.
Sharon.
Nay, he plots. But on what I cannot say.
Leoben.
I will raise him and goad him and rile him.
Simon, pass unto me the radio.
Simon.
Here, Leoben. Rile him, and rile him well.
Leoben.
Adama, be you there? Or has some mouse
Crawled into thy cockpit, now distracting
You with a challenge fit for a pilot
As rusty as thyself.
Adm. Adama.
I am here, and waiting.
Leoben.
You seem adrift. Perhaps you hope a gust,
Or some nebulous wind from a comet,
Will coax you into our landing bay, and
Thus avoid a test of your brittle bones
And nigh retired reflexes, the which would
Leave you banging your frail Viper into
Drums and tangling cables, like a tired and
Forspent geezer trying to calm a stallion.
Adm. Adama.
It seems the first law of growing old holds
For Cylons as well as humans. Mark it.
The young have no respect, lest their elders
Teach it hard unto them, 'tis a lesson
They are shy to learn and rarely heed, which
Is why young be so commonly common,
And why the old remain as rare as gold.
If they'd but respect their fewer fathers,
Fewer tragedies we should see unfold.
Leoben.
You speak with veritable truth, old man,
But not the great tragedy of your race,
Which was in how it did treat its children.
Even now you quake to face us, arrayed
In our victorious splendor, our young
And spritely feet planted on human decks,
With this ship's turgid souls enpacked below,
Helpless to steer their fate 'tween slave and corpse.
All wait the arrival of Adama,
Gods' gift to war, now but a helpless lamb,
His tongue forced to discourse on surrender.
You hesitate and stall for time old man,
Drifting to starboard like a silver-hair
Flumoxed 'bout where and how to park a car.
Adm. Adama.
Tis truth that I am old, but I but have
Seen few more years than this rebuilt Viper,
And both have seen great service in days past,
And we will see us some good service still.
History we have, and 'tis our teacher,
One thing it hath taught me, and teaches yet,
'Tis easier to go through open doors.
So how may one look to do good service,
When young are too flighty and inconstant
To open the doors to the landing bay?
Leoben.
Doors?
Doral.
Frack.
Simon.
Opening the doors to cargo bay two.
I beg to indulge your pardon, brothers,
I have only partial control still yet.
Leoben.
Your way is clear, and we await you here.
Permission is granted to come aboard,
Here entreat with us, your dreaded rivals.
Adm. Adama.
I'm in. I will face off with you forthwith.
Simon.
Closing the outer doors. His hide is ours,
Come thick or thin.
Leoben.
Welcome, great Adama, our ship is yours,
If you can but take it. Yet if you think
To perchance surprise us or losing hope,
Go down in a blaze of glory. Mark this,
We know of your matched pair of Gundt forties.
Tis an underestimated weapon,
But a pea-shooter in comparison
To what we have brought to subdue this prize.
If you but count Cylons and your bullets,
We shall retain the advantaged numbers,
Even if all your shooting be perfect.
Adm. Adama.
Tis true I meant to face you with two guns,
And maybe you saw in your flowing stream.
But now it seems I'm trapped inside the bay,
Unable to walk forward or go back.
Simon.
I'm having troubles with the exit doors.
Leoben.
Try all the doors, my brother, and quickly.
I won't be deprived of this proud greeting.
Simon.
I try them all and achieve sweet success.
The inner cargo door doth open now.
Leoben.
Adama. We await your arrival.

Enter Chorus

Chorus
We noted first when starting this good play
That fancy effects were lacking, so use
Your inward eye to see what I describe:
First float the Cylons in the air as the
Ship's captain cuts off gravity. He then
Alurches down the ship from under them
To raise them up still higher. Cylons swim
In air and then Adama's Viper comes
At once from distant cargo bay a-glide.
It flies at them with bursts of thrusters jets
And certain purpose. See it in your mind.

Exit Chorus

Doral.
What the Frack?!
Six.
Grab hold, grab hold of something!
Simon.
Unfairly he cheats us!
Sharon.
Nay, fairly he beats us.
Leoben.
What is this trick he plays! He vexes us!
Adm. Adama. (filtered)
This old man that you hath been insulting
Is a Viper pilot known as "Husker",
Jetting to you in a Viper to strafe
With free will at your floating, flailing forms.
It seems your welcoming party is fracked,
All floating and spinning from front to back.
As you said, I have indeed brought two guns,
But more than my churlish antique pistols.
Overdue to qualify at gunnery,
I see floating before my aged eyes
An almost perfect opportunity.
What say you, flapping Cylon target drones?
Shall I make eye guide on to finger or,
Giving you a fair choice, would you rather
Discourse on this day's promised surrender?
Doral. (floating)
I have a bead, and will now take his head.
*shot* (he goes tumbling in a circle)
Adm. Adama. (filtered)
A fools attack, your circus clown clear missed
And now entertains as an acrobat.
I neither die nor tumble, given a
Viper's control of rate and attitude,
With aim driven gunnery computers
And finely beaded target reticles.
I sit facing instruments that serve naught
But to enhance my lethality, while
You'll soon float in clouds of piss and corpses.
Do you wish to still press your losing game
As I do jet at you yet closer?
Simon.
Leoben, my brother, he dare not shoot
Those dread pair of Raider killing cannon
Lest he wish to crack and rupture the dome.
Relay to him that his desperate bluff
Be called.
Leoben.
You do bluff us well, brave Adama, but
Methinks you look not where your cannon shot
Will go after it overtravel us,
Whether it strike at us or strike us not
You will but shatter this great dome and vent
Your precious ship and passengers to space.
Now end this childish game. Your point is made
And honor saved, but we have serious
Matters to discuss, and your infirm eyes
Can't well hit us square in the exhaust port.
Adm. Adama.
I need not hit you in your exhaust port,
Nor on any other part of your ass.
You mistake me for one who gives a frack
How your Cylon bodies vent into space,
Just that they most assuredly go there.
My first plan was in through the vaulted dome,
Blasting it just to get at thee within.
As for the passengers, you've locked them in
Snugly behind the ship's pressure tight doors,
Safe from our raids, but safer still from space.
So I trust not to my now rusty aim
To ensure your demise, I trust my lack.
With my first shots, we all go into black
In a hurricane of wind and fury,
Me hot and free in my Viper, and all
Of you fool Cylons venting your life's fluids
So preciously from mouth and nose and ass.
Why need I to aim when I cannot miss?
Leoben.
You dare it not!
Adm. Adama.
I donned not flight suit and helmet to dare,
But to win, and for my part, it would make
Me a shorter path to Galactica,
Avoiding all those hoisted barrels and
Cables hazarding now the hangar bay.
I urge you to surrender nakedly.
Fling your guns and weapons out and away,
Along with your clothes so thickly stitched with
Cylon perfidity and clever traps.
The other option tensions trigger finger,
Which I promise be loud, bloody, and brief.
Leoben.
Very well Adama, you have us now,
But your victory will be all too short,
For this ship is still jumpless before our
Oncoming fleet.
Adm. Adama.
In my harshest experience, tis far
Better to win a fleeting victory
Than to lose one, for losing marks your last.
Doral. (pushing his gun away, hard)
Phase one is undone, and so are we here.
Perhaps we back to second plan,
And jump this ship clear to the Cylon fleet.
Let our many Raiders deal with this man.
Sharon.
Would that our control of their FTL
Was operated by wireless remote,
Instead of tethered to the ships controls
Where we cleverly, or not, spliced it in.
Doral.
The mission entire is not so lost yet,
Our sister hath made us a third option.
Simon. (stripping)
Tis not then truly lost, though Adama
Has most bold outfoxed us this heady day,
We shall a while as patient prisoners,
Then see who pipes the tune come evening time.
Doral.
There be worse ways to while than floating here
In a dense cloud of our naked sisters.
Truly do I perceive it. In zero G
Their breasts have lost ten years!
Leoben.
Ha! In victory and defeat, you stay
So much the dog.

Exeunt