bastardsword

Blowmeo and Deweywet

I've sometimes struggled with Shakespeare's love stories. They seem to talk around the point quite a bit. So much like my parody of John Denver's my parody of John Denver's Annie's Song, I thought I'd try to whip out a pr0n version of some Shakespeare, for those who can't follow the subtle nuances of his romantic parts.

So I present a small passage from Blowmeo and Deweywet, but warning, it's kind of graphic, so don't look below the fold if you're uncomfortable with something from a very bad pr0n movie.

Blowmeo and Dewewet

Blowmeo and Deweywet - from Act II, Scene II.

BLOWMEO
     But soft! What pike through fondled quim doth rake?
     It is a beast, and Deweywet likes his cum!
     Arise bare prick and fill her temptuous cunt,
     Who is already licked and gelled with lube
     That though her tits are more bared to see
     Be not there bade, since she is wet for us.
     Her vestal purity is now slick and preened,
     And cum and drool do crave it. Jack her off.
     It is thy taking, oh, it is thy lust!
     Oh, that she knew she’d purr!
     She shrieks, yet she says nothing. What of that?
     Her clit is moistened, I will fondle it.
     I am too bold, ‘tis not with glee she shakes.
     Two of the fairest lips in all the heaven,
     Having some slickness do entreat my tongue
     To linger in their frills till day returns.
     What if her lips were there, they round my head?
     The hardness of my cock would flame those parts
     And push tight through her damp; my cock in heaven
     Would through her pelvic region ream so tight
     That she would scream and shiver with delight
     See how she takes her clit into her hand!
     Oh that I might be the glove upon that hand,
     That I might suck that clit!
DEWEYWET
     O Blowmeo, Blowmeo! Stay full hard thou Blowmeo!
     Prolong thy hard on and refuse to come;
     Or, if thou wilt not, be not blown my love,
     And I'll some longer be a enraptured yet.
BLOWMEO
     [Aside] Shall I hold off, or shall I seek at bliss? [Oops]
DEWEYWET
     'Tis but thy slack that is my enemy;
     Thou art my help, when not a vibe will do.
     What's vibe to me? it is nor hand, nor cock,
     Nor tongue, nor face, nor any other part
     Belonging to a man. O, please another time!
     Service my need! I wish to claw once more
     Like any other dame, to feel thy heat;
     So Blowmeo should, were he not empty and spill'd,
     Retain that dear erection which he owes
     To make me tidal. Blowmeo, off my mounde,
     And for that flame which is no part of thee
     take it myself.
BLOWMEO
     I take thee at thy word:
     Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;
     Henceforth I never will be flacid.
DEWEYWET
     What man art thou that thus just creamed inside
     So stumblest on my pounding?
BLOWMEO
     I am shamed
     I know not how to tell thee why I came:
     My cum, dear saint, now hateful to myself,
     Because it so diappointed thee;
     Had I it bitten, I would tear my cod.
DEWEYWET
     My lips have not yet drunk a hundred loads
     Of that cocks's sputterance, yet I know the taste:
     Art thou not good to go and a font of spooge?
BLOWMEO
     Not yet, fair saint, so licks I hope you like.

Pretty sleazy, eh? This is probably why pr0n doesn't usually have a whole lot of speaking parts...

Annie's Song

It occured to me that John Denver writes some rather wussy lyrics that some women like but some men have to suffer through like root canal. Like John Denver's "Annie's Song". I mean, just look at it.

Original Version - Annie's Song

You fill up my senses
like a night in the forest
like the mountains in springtime,
like a walk in the rain
like a storm in the desert,
like a sleepy blue ocean
you fill up my senses,
come fill me again.

Come let me love you,
let me give my life to you
let me drown in your laughter,
let me die in your arms
let me lay down beside you,
let me always be with you
come let me love you,
come love me again.

(instrumental)

You fill up my senses
like a night in the forest
like the mountains in springtime,
like a walk in the rain
like a storm in the desert,
like a sleepy blue ocean
you fill up my senses,
come fill me again.

Crikey! How are we supposed to get all hot and bothered listening to stuff like that? It makes you want to walk downstairs in just your toga, smash some wimpy hippie's guitar against the wall, and get a cold beer. So to help out those who are in a relationship where one party always wants to hear "Annie's Song", and the other can't friggin' stand it, I wrote a slightly, er, a much dirtier version.

Annie's Song - Improved

You fog up my lenses
like a sight of clitoris
like the mountings of teen hind,
like a cock in the lane
like hot porn on the network,
like a cheapy blue pokin’
you fog up my lenses,
come feel me again.

Come let me love you,
let me give my pike to you
let me drown in your juices,
let me try in your buns
let me lay pipe inside you,
let me always be on you
come let me love you,
come blow me again.

(instrumental)

You fog up my lenses
like a sight of clitoris
like the mountings of teen hind,
like a cock in the lane
like hot porn on the network,
like a cheapy blue pokin’
you fog up my lenses,
come feel me again.