bastardsword

Just What's He Worth?

Here's a quick spoof of For What It's Worth by Buffalo Sprinfield, a big protest song from the 60's.

Just What's He Worth?

Kerry's positions I hear
What they are ain't exactly clear
There's the man, what a bum, over there
Telling me I got to despair

I think it's time we stop, children, watch that clown
Everybody look he's going down

There's prattled lines being flung
Not only trite but every point wrong
Dumb people eating his lines
Meeting not much resistance from their minds

I think it's time we stop, children, watch that clown
Everybody look he's going down

What a field-day for the press
A thousand positions he's stressed
Flinging points and parroting themes
Most just say, hooray for my team

I think it's time we stop, children, watch that clown
Everybody look he's going down

Kerrynoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always amazed
He blurts out his lines, then pundits rate him a fake.

I think it's time we stop, children, watch that clown
Everybody look he's going down
Stop, hey, watch that clown
Everybody look he's going down
Stop, hey, watch that clown
Everybody look he's going down
Stop, hey, watch that clown
Everybody look he's going down

Jihad Angel

Cooper For President wrote a really good parody of the J. Geils Band's song "Centerfold".

Does he walk? Does he talk? Does he stand up straight?
My little jihad angel, so full of Sunni hate
He was thrown in prison, the one called Abu Ghraib
He tried to rape a teenage boy
And that's the night he paid!

Go check it out.

Blow The Man Down

Since John Kerry served in the Navy I though some new sea shanties were in order. Unfortunately not many are still recognized enough to make parodies, but these two will probably work for most people.

Blow The Man Down

As I was a-sailing my Swift Boat in Nam
To me way-aye, blow the man down!
A small metal splinter got stuck in my arm
Give me some time to blow the man down!

Says me, "Look at me bleedin', see the scratch on my skin;
To me way-aye, snow the man down!
I'll get me a medal, oh my bravery I'll spin.
Give me some time to pull off a con!

"I've bled in a swift boat that flies the proud flag,
Then I spurned our brave sailors and stumped for a hag.

I's a protesting hippie, my medals thrown down
A testifying traitor who looks like a clown

Shagging widows fair widows, a rich woman's toy;
I'm just a cheap hippie sailor who's owned by Hanoi;

Lying Traitor

Oh, what shall we do with a lying traitor,

What shall we do with a lying traitor,
What shall we do with a lying traitor,
Early in the morning?

Put him in the campaign till he gets voters,
Put him in the campaign till he gets voters,
Put him in the campaign till he gets voters,
Early in the morning!

Way, hay, and up he rises,
Way, hay, and up he rises,
Way, hay, and up he rises,
Early in the morning!

Oh, what shall we do with a laying traitor?
Put him in the campaign till he gets voters.

Auld Lang Syne

I wrote this song for New Year's, posted it somewhere, but it seems the web has swallowed it. It's a stab at the NION types (which is an offshoot of the Revolutionary Communist Party) and I only remembered it by the luckiest of chances, so I'll preserve it here.

Should nine eleven be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should nine eleven be forgot
Let’s all move on

Oh let’s move on, my dear
Oh let’s move on,
We’ll tak’ a cup o’ blindness yet
Oh let’s move on.

Two tow’rs have tumbl’d in the streets
We pu’d the burning fires
We’ve squandered many a weary boot,
Let’s all move on
Oh let’s move on, my dear,
Oh let’s move on,
We’ve squandered many a weary boot,
Oh let’s move on

The crews who went there as they burned,
In morning sun they died,
The seas between us bought us naught
Let’s all move on
Oh let’s move on, my dear,
Oh let’s move on
The seas between us bought us naught
Oh let’s move on

And here’s a hand, my peaceful friend
Who gives a hoot o’ thine;
We’ll tak’ a cup o’ blindness yet,
Let’s all move on
Oh let’s move on, my dear,
Oh let’s move on
We’ll tak’ a cup o’ blindness yet,
Oh let’s move on

John Kerry's St Crispian Speech

Here's another Shakespeare parody, at reworking of the famous St. Crispian speech from King Henry V, twisted to fight John Kerry

FORBES.
      O that we now had here
      But one ten thousand of those men in Saigon
      That do not shirk today!

KERRY.
      What's he that wishes so?
      My dear cousin Stuart? No, my rich cousin;
      If we are mark'd to lie, we are enow
      To do our country loss; and if to fib,
      The fewer vets, the greater chance of conning.
      God's will! I pray thee, wish not one vet more.
      By Rove, I am most covetous for gold,
      Nor care who I doth feed upon the most;
      It burns me not that Heinz is my full share;
      Such outward things dwell high in my desires.
      But if it be a sin to covet power,
      I am the most offending soul alive.
      No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from Saigon.
      God's please! I could not use so great a sailor
      As one man more methinks would tell on me
      For the best hope I have. O, do not send one more!
      Rather proclaim it, dear Stuart, through Uncle Ho,
      That he which hath no stomach for this fight,
      Let him us join; his papers shall be faked,
      And bills for convoy put into his purse;
      We would not lie in that man's company
      That fears his fellowship to lie with us.
      This day is call'd the screech of Dewey Canyon.
      He that a fibs this day, and blows brave smoke,
      Will rake a pay off when the brave are fram'd,
      And rouse him at the fame of the perjuring.
      He that shall fib this day, up on the stage,
      Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
      And say 'Tomorrow is Dewey Canyon III.'
      Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
      And say 'These drugs I had on Canyon day.'
      Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
      But he'll remember, with advantages,
      What bleats he fibbed that day. Then shall our names,
      Familiar in his mouth as month old turds ;
      Leary the Freak, Rubin and Coyote,
      Hayden and Fonda, Haight and Ashbury
      Be in their glowing tokes freshly rememb'red.
      This story shall the fool man teach his son;
      And Dewey Canyon shall ne'er go by,
      From this day to the ending of the world,
      But we in it shall be remembered ;
      We few, we commie few, we band of losers;
      For he today that shares his drugs with me
      Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
      This toke shall gentle his condition
      And gentlemen in Hanoi chained-a-bed
      Shall think themselves accurs'd that we were here,
      And hold our treason cheap whiles any speaks
      That spoke with us upon Dewey Canyon day.

*Stuart Forbes, the CEO of Colliers International, is John Kerry’s cousin. Hanoi awarded Colliers, a Boston real estate company, an exclusive $900 million deal to develop its commercial real estate.

The Age of Contrariness

When the loon is in the Nation’s House
And policy aligns with ours
Then peace will guide the planets
With Rove behind steel bars

This is the dawning of the rage of contrariness
The age of contrariness
contrariness! contrariness!

Honor free and crass pandering
Empathy and lust abounding
No more hard truths or decisions
Golden living dreams and visions
Mystic crystal revelation
And the tard's true liberation
Contrariness! Contrariness!

When the loon is from our Nor’East coast
And Butterflies fly out your ass
Then peace will guide the planets
And Love will pow’r the cars

This is the dawning of the Age of Contrariness
The Age of Contrariness
Contrariness! Contrariness!

Logic free no understanding
Economy or cost accounting
No more hard truths or decisions
Golden living dreams and visions
Mystic crystal revelation
And the tard's true liberation
Contrariness! Contrariness!

'Tard Loon Rising

Well, with the Iowa caucus upon us, and all the televised debates headed our way, I thought I'd put out some Creedence Clearwater Revival.

I see the 'tard loon arising.
I see drivel on the way.
I see tard's, fakes, and trite men.
I see bad lines today.

Chorus:
Don’t tune round tonight,
Well, it’s bound to bore your wife,
There’s a mad loon on the dias.

I hear hurricanes ablowing.
I hope the end is coming soon.
I fear drivel's over flowing.
I hear the voice of raging loons.

Chorus
All right!

Hope you work into a lather.
Hope you are quite prepared to hex.
Looks like we’re in for nasty blather.
One lie is spoken after next.

Don't Fence Me In

I've spent countless years watching political round tables, talk shows, and news interviews, and I wonder if the politicians, pundits, and shills start out in the dressing room singing some tune like this modified Louis Armstrong classic, Don't Fence Me In.

Well, give me spin, lots of spin and the clever lies of Gov
But don’t fence me in
Let me wade through that wide open logic that I love
Don’t fence me in
Let me plead on my case with my evasive reads
Listen to the bluster of my ballyhooed screeds
Interview forever but I ask you please
Don’t fence me in

Just turn me loose, let me peddle my old prattle
Underneath the camera lights
On my cause, let me wander over yonder
Till I see the pundits bite

I want to pile to the bilge till the host a'winces
Play at the tune till I lose my senses
I don’t like callers and I can’t stand fencers
Don’t fence me in

(instrumental break)

Just turn me loose, let me peddle my old prattle
Underneath the camera lights
On my cause, let me wander over yonder
Till I see the pundits bite

I want to pile to the bilge till the host a'winces
Play at the tune till I lose my senses
I don’t like callers and I can’t stand fencers
Don’t fence me in

Oh no...don’t you fence me in

You Can't Buy a Plastic Turkey

An interesting exchange over on the Rott in this thread.

Petey, one of the many noxious trolls, asks

How about pictures of the Prez holding a fake plastic turkey?

Misha, strong of tongue, replies

How 'bout you not using idiotic rumors that have been debunked 7 million times as "argument"? I cannot BELIEVE that there are still people that haven't heard about the "plastic turkey" lie.

Petey returns with

I hadn't heard otherwise. I have obviously been misinformed regarding the turkey. Please enlighten me with links and things. I never want to argue using false facts. Seriously.

-Petey

I knew there is no such thing as a fake turkey, the closest thing being a rubber chicken. But just to be sure, I googled upside down and inside out, and the only plastic turkey I could find for sale was about 3 inches high. When people want a fake turkey, they use a fake one with feathers, usually made out of paper. For a display turkey people just bake one and set it out. Plastic just doesn't do a convincing imitation of roast bird, and real birds are cheap as dirt.

So anyway, Petey inspired my muse, so I wrote a really bad Dr. Seuss response to him.

*******

Petey,

I know you stoooopid people think the turkey was plastic. In fact, the entire media establishment and the Democratic party also think it was plastic.

Unfortunately, plastic turkeys don't actually exist. Maybe you should make sure your idiot conspiracy theories involve actual products that are manufactured and sold somewhere in this solar system.

You can't buy a plastic turkey.

You can't buy a plastic turkey.
You can't buy a plastic turkey in a store,
or at the yardsale, right next door.
You can't buy one on the web,
You can't buy one from Miss Deb.

You can't buy a plastic turkey off the rack,
nor from a church house in Iraq
You can't buy a plastic turkey from TV,
nor QVC, nor on any shopping spree.

They don't make them, don't you see?
Why is the left filled with glee,
over a story that cannot be.
Could it be they're dumb as pee?

I think they're too blind to see
How daft the story they show to me.
I don't buy it.
Not at all.
I don't buy it.
No not me.

Cause I've searched all sources,
scanned them all.
No plastic turkeys are for sale.
They just can't compete, with butterball
at a buck a pound, that is all.

Three thousand google hits, plus more
on "plastic turkey", yet no store.
How can pundits write such tripe?
Why do Dem's believe such hype?
How can so many preach to thee,
Yet not a brain between them be?

Spewing Democrat Bile

And here’s Gilligan's Island morphed into a campaign update song for the Democratic debates, based on the first season's theme song (didn't have "The Professor and Mary Ann").

Just sit right back and you'll hear some tales
Tales of the dem’s debate
That parted from the topic set
For the candidates.

The Dean was a mighty lyin man,
Al Sharpton brave and sure,
Nine candidates set out that day,
For a three hour do, A three hour do.

The insults started getting rough,
The whiney jabs were tossed,
If not for the spewage of a clueless few
The campaign could be lost,
The campaign could be lost.

The group spat out only more of their moronic vapid bile.
With Lieberman, Al Sharpton too, the General,
And the Dean,
The Ketchup Man, and the rest,
Hear the Democrats whine.

Then we air the debate, followed by the closing theme

Now this is the tell of the candidates,
They'll spew for a long, long time,
They'll have to put the spin on things,
It's an uphill climb.

Ted Koppel and Dan Rather too,
Will do their very best,
To make the others stay upon the topic that was set.
No notes, No prompts, no talking points, not a single luxury,

Like Convention night speeches, as primitive as can be.
So join us here each week my freinds,
You're sure to get a smile,
From all these clueless candidates, spewing Democrat bile.